Setting it Free

Well, I did it. I finally finished up those accursed edits, with 9 pages to spare over and above HMMDC's arbitrary 100 pages (as in "You can't throw a dissertation down the stairs if it's under 100 pages.") - Gaah...almost makes me wish I hadn't developed such a tight academic writing style. I have found myself all this week stranded and banging my head against the wall at 97 pages with nothing else to say because I'd already said everything at least four times. Unfortunately most of the people who read and understand dissertations are usually bright enough to get it the first time, but sadly, such is the nature of scholarly output.

So, discouraged, in an effort to determine the next steps and hopefully give myself a little inspiration, this morning I looked up the dissertation formatting requirements for my program, when what to my wondering eyes did appear but a strictly enforced 1 and 1/4 inch margins rule. All this time I have been working with 1 inch margins all the way around, just as has been pounded into me since my undergraduate program. The cool part though is that when the paper was reformatted said required bigger margins all the way around, it gave me 12 extra pages without having to redundantly repeat myself again! Woofuckin'hoo! So I just tidied up the jagged bits, revised the table of contents and threw it against the wall in hopes that it will stick this time. Let's all cross our fingers or whateveritis that we do and hope that good enough is good enough this time.

Oh yeah, tomorrow I meet with the neuropsychologist for whom I've worked forever to discuss some potentially exciting options for postdoc. I think I need sleep now but feel so energized and excited that I don't think I'll be able to.

*stealing Natalia's Snoopydance!*

150 Things NOT To Do on a Dissertation Defense

Okay, though definitely in the home stretch, I'm still busier than all hell but I ran across this the other day and had to share. I wish I'd had it in time for my own defense because it would have helped me deal with the event my favorite way - with humor.

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for a moment of silence followed by the singing of our National Anthem..."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the spectators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

12. Puppet show.

13. Group prayer.

14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

17. Imitate Groucho Marx.

18. Mime.

19. Hold a Tupperware party.

20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

21. "Everybody rhumba!!"

22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

23. Charge a cover and check for ID.

24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..."

25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

28. Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.

29. Door prizes and a raffle.

30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...

34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).

37. Fashion show.

38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).

41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

42. Pass the collection basket.

43. Two-drink minimum.

44. Black tie only.

45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

46. Incite a revolt.

47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

48. Release a flock of doves.

49. Defense by proxy.

50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

53. "Professor Smith, will you marry me?"

54. Bring your pet boa.

55. Tell ghost stories.

56. Do a "show and tell".

57. Food fight.

58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

59. Halftime show.

60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

61. "OK - which one of you farted?"

62. Rimshot.

63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands.

64. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

65. 3-ring defense.

66. "Tag - you're it!"

67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"

69. Hang a piñata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X, Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

73. Make committee members wear silly hats.

74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

75. Do a soft-shoe routine.

76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

79. Tap dance.

80. Vaudeville.

81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.

83. Dress in top hat and tails.

84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

86. Shadow puppets.

87. Show slides of your last vacation.

88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

91. Call your advisor "sweetie".

92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.

93. Instant replay.

94. Laugh maniacally.

95. Talk with your mouth full.

96. Start speaking in tongues.

97. Explode.

98. Implode.

99. Spontaneously combust.

100. Answer every question with a question.

101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

103. Hand out 3-D glasses.

104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..."

105. Go into labor (especially for men).

106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.

107. "I don't know - I didn't write this."

108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.

109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.

110. Projectile vomit on your committee.

111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".

112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.

113. Invite the homeless.

114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"

115. Hide.

116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun andv"shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"

117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.

118. "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."

119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.

120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".

121. Play Thesis Mad Libs.

122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

123. Do your entire defense operatically.

124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you.
("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")

125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

126. Mosh pit.

127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")

128. Bring Howard Cosell back from the dead to do color commentary.

129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

130. Claim political asylum.

131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.

132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.

133. Live radio and TV coverage.

134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"

135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.

136. Use a TelePrompTer

137. "Take my wife - please!"

138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.

139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.

140. Offer a toast.

141. Firewalk.

142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.

143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.

145. "By the power of Greyskull..."

146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catch phrase. Not.

147. Stand on the table.

148. Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.

149. Hold a raffle.

150. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

Mostly stolen from these guys I modified a couple of their institution-specific items that nobody else would get and replaced them with my own. Please feel free to add yours in the comments!

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Religion

This week: Religion
Things you can't see (watch the cockroaches, heehee)


Peter Godly


Jesus - The Musical


The Biggest Muslim


It's Mothafuckin' Ramadan, Charlie Brown!


Live from Tikrit


Kissing Hank's Ass


If God is dead, then what? (from my wonderful friend, Baruch)


Next week: Rednecks

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Gittin' 'er done...

Okay y'all...a couple of days ago while I was experiencing an exercise in frustration management centering around of all fucking things in the world - popcorn, I realized that I defended my dissertation exactly 2 months prior, and participated in the commencement ceremony 2 months ago today and still haven't had time for those edits, which are simple really. It's just a matter of sitting my fat, bruised (goes along with the goddamnfucking popcorn story) ass down and doing them. Soooo, today, while The Girl is at school, then at a football game nearly 100 miles away and The Man is at work until sevenish this evening, TODAY is the absofuckinglutely bestest motherfucking day ever to hole up and just work on those goddamnfucking edits. So far I've added about 6 pages of the 10 HMMDC wants. If it's not one thing it's another and dammitalltofuckinghell one of these days I am going to learn to put my own shit on the top of the list of priorities instead of everyone else's so I can get out before I'm 80 and can't remember what the hell my research is about anyway. Gawd I'm sick of this crap. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

So to keep y'all entertained today as I toil away, I want to share this video of me in drag...

Very Interesting...

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

(*singing* -- loudly and probably off key but with gusto nonetheless..."We are the world...we are the children...We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start livin'. There's a choice we're making and something something something lives. It's true we'll make a brighter day -- just you and meeeeeee.")

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Smoking

This week: Smoking (hack hack)

Jokamel - Gotta get 'em all!


Mr. Hakk


Cigarette Overlord


The Hotline


Bad Day to Quit


Everybody's Doing It


Next week: Religion

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Duh.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Intoxication

This week: Intoxication
From Romulus Crowe, ghost hunter


The effect of alcohol on spider webs:


New DUI Test:


Know when to say when:


Dinner for One:


Next week: Smoking

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Grandpa

Grandpa passed this afternoon. I'll be on the road - literally - all day tomorrow and although email will be limited, I'll be able to get at least some of it on my stupid-phone, the Treo. I wish you all good travels as well. We'll chat when I get home.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Law Enforcement

This week: Law Enforcement...Book 'em, Dan-O

When Little People Go Bad...(This one's for Slick)


How not to get your ass kicked by the police. (also from my dear friend over at In the Line of Duty)


Traffic stops we'd rather not see...


Stupid perpetrator tricks...


Only in LA


Next week: intoxication

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

'Night, Grandpa

I just received the call from my father that Grandpa took a serious turn for the worse last night and that they just took him to hospice. They don't expect him to last much longer. I'm doing the laundry right now so that I can pack up and head back to Kansas City in a hurry if I need to. I'll try to get tomorrow's CCC ready to roll, but can't guarantee that I'll be able to get it posted. I knew y'all would understand.

Given my considerable training and research in geriatric cognitive functioning (the way old people's brains work - or don't) I've seen this coming for a long time. He had a head injury with a subdural hematoma and two subsequent brain surgeries a couple of years ago, a minor stroke and he has been dealing with transient ischemic attacks (mini-strokes) ever since. His affect has flattened, he's been increasingly agitated and irritable and has become increasingly routine-bound in an effort to maintain some level of control in his life. His long-term memory is pretty good, but he can't tell you what he had for lunch (hell, neither can I, most days). It doesn't take a PhD to figure out that Grandpa may have a full six pack, but he's missing the little plastic thingy that holds it all together. He walked out of my dissertation defense, mumbling to my aunt that this was the longest damn wedding he had ever seen, then at the reception after graduation, he apologized for not being able to dance at my wedding reception. I try to call him at least once a week and every time I've talked to him, he's asked me how the medical profession is treating me. Sigh.

About a month ago, he was in the hospital with cardiac problems and while he was in there, he was diagnosed with bone cancer. The doctors gave him a year to live at most. Grandma has really had her hands full because he's been steadily declining since he has returned home. She can't even go to the grocery store to pick up a few necessities and my father, aunts and uncles aren't much help, even though they all live relatively close by. Fortunately she's been able to get at least a little bit of help here and there in bathing and feeding him, but he has needed constant supervision and it's really taking its toll on her. Sadly, they don't have life insurance, so how in the world his arrangements will be paid for is beyond me.

Like most things, my view of death and dying is a little different than most people's. There are times, particularly when considering a person's quality of life, when death is a blessing. Sure, we're all going to miss Grandpa, but we already miss him. He hasn't really been Grandpa in a couple of years. I'm hopeful that he doesn't have to linger on for years in a vegetative state and that he is able to cross over soon, slipping quietly away in his sleep.