Next Up in the Houseguest Parade

When I got home Tuesday evening from a quick run to Mom's, The Man was fueling the tractor to get it ready for cutting the Sudan field under the watchful eye of thatdonkey. Even though The Girl had named him Jasper, The Man had also befriended the animal and was calling him Festus. Every evening when The Man gets home from work, he makes the dogs sit to get a dog biscuit. He gave one to the donkey as well. The donkey ate it, then followed The Man all around the yard, I'm assuming in hopes for more treats -just like a dog. It was funny. Jasper/Festus was gone when I got home yesterday afternoon, but I figured out how he got so fat. I think when he gets bored he escapes from wherever he normally lives and goes around mooching treats off the neighbors.

Yesterday was interesting. I was on the road at 6am to meet Suz, the new hubby & his mom to ride with them to the custody hearing 100 miles away. As these things tend to go in Texas, the actual participants didn't see the judge. Instead, the attorneys pow-wowed with the judge at the bench, then came back to give everyone their marching orders. Although the hearing was postponed and Suz was really upset that she didn't get to see the judge, some good things actually happened. First, CPS is not going to pursue the report that her ex filed against her (asshole). Second, even though the boy isn't yet 12, since he's so close the judge is going to consider him 12 and interview both him and his sister in chambers - alone, without the influence of mom, dad, or the attorneys. Next, there is an injunction prohibiting everyone from talking to the kids about the case, which is good because they don't need to hear it. Suz has already been not talking about it, but her ex hasn't. Maybe it's because he doesn't have any friends to talk to, I don't know. We had an hour and a half long, detailed conversation with her attorney about her ex's behavior and why the boy would be better off with her. Since school starts in a couple of weeks, she is going to file an affidavit in a couple of days to try to get him in the school district where Suz lives, which will be better for him in part because the school district he's been in has never been a good fit for him socially or academically. Suz would love for her daughter to come along as well, but she has grown accustomed to no rules or boundaries under her dad for over the last year, and even though she doesn't fit in either and her dad and her so-called "friends" all treat her like shit, she isn't interested in moving even though it would be better for her overall as well. They're going to try to get another hearing next Wednesday. It didn't have to be this way, but her ex did the exact opposite of everything he said he was going to do last year and had caused her nothing but trouble and grief in the interim. Send much positive energy her way...

Afterwards, we went to Herrerra's for lunch since we were already on I-35. Yum. I do love me some good Mexican food! As we were arriving at the restaurant, I received an email from a dear friend in St. Louis informing me that she and her kids (11 and 19) are coming to visit today. Yippee! She and her husband are both from St. Louis but lived in Fort Worth for a long time and we became friends back when she was a radio producer and had me as a guest on a show when I had my personal shopping business (Damn that seems like lifetimes ago!). She's one of those friends whom I don't often get to talk to, but when we do get to visit we don't seem to run out of things to talk about. Maybe it's because she's so intelligent and well-read, but it would be difficult for anyone else to get a word in edgewise.

Her daughter is about to begin her second year in college, studying religion and philosophy and just finished an internship at Nauvoo. For an interesting living museum of pioneer life, I highly recommend a visit there, even with the religious component included for perspective. The last time I saw her, she was about 13 and wikkid smahht like her mom. I'm looking forward to visiting with her now that she's a young adult.

Her son, the 11-year-old, was actually born in Fort Worth but they moved back to St. Louis within weeks after he was born. Interestingly, he has always felt himself a Texan, has always said that he misses Texas even though he was only here as a newborn, and used to ask his mom things like why she didn't "type all Texas-y," in her emails to me. Sooo, this is his big Texas weekend road trip. The Man is going to get him in the tractor and we're going to probably not ride the horses since it's so damned hot (finally over 100 degrees - but with a vengeance), but at least go over and commiserate with them. We're going to take him to a scrimmage football game at The Girl's high school (yep, that's right Texas high school football - what else?). I'm going to cook that boy a huge steak in the fire pit and we're going to sit up late and tell lies under the stars. I bet he picks up our accent within a couple of hours.

Pulled in Every Direction

Can we keep him, Mom?

Have you ever heard the old saw, "If you want to get something done, ask a busy person"? Yeah? Apparently so has everyone else in Texas, and I am the busy person they tend to ask.

The whirlwind visit with my brother Wednesday was great. The Girl got permission to skip band rehearsals by calling her squad leader and saying that she wasn't going to be there because the Feds showed up at our house, then abruptly ended the conversation. Smart ass...she's just like her mom, heehee. She later called her band director to give him the real details. We kidnapped my mom and went to Fort Worth to Mi Cocina for lunch, then to Central Market to pick up something lovely for dinner. Like his big sister he's a hardcore foodie so he wanted steak, porcini tortellini with pesto, salad & creme brulee, so who am I to argue? We cooked the steaks over an open pecan wood fire in the fire pit on the magic patio and ohhhhh man, they were good. It was great to spend some time with him, even if it was only for one day. He is planning to come take advantage of our RV hookups down at the barn sometime this fall though.

The Man's mother's house has been sold and closes today. Thursday he informed me that his step brothers would be coming from Georgia on Friday to pick up their dad's stuff since she was too mean to give it to them when he died ten years ago. He asked me if I'd make dinner for the family and, never one to give up an opportunity to show off my culinary skills, I agreed. So Friday between shuttling The Girl to & from band, I gather up all the stuff and bust my ass to make lasagne, salad & dressing and bread for 20 people. The Girl made brownies when she got home from band. 6:15, the phone rings and it's The Man, letting me know he's on the way home and asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'd been cooking all day, just put the lasagne in the oven and was about to take a shower, then I asked what time the people were supposed to be attending this dinner party. He says, "They're not coming for dinner until tomorrow. They just left Georgia today." Well gee...thanks for the clarification, pal. At least lasagne is always better the second day.

Saturday wasn't so bad. I spent an inordinate amount of time cleaning what I think was frog guts out of the pool. With all the rain we've had, there is a bumper crop of frogs and toads this year. The Man mowed the yard from the time he got home Friday until after dark. That can be the only explanation for the mysterious chunks of what looks like chicken meat I vacuumed into the basket leading to the pool filter. Eww.

The people got there around 8pm after retrieving their dad's things and they ate like they'd been fasting for a week. Of course they did. We wouldn't expect anything different since I'm the little Italian grandma they never had. Mama mia! You're too skinny! Mangiate!

Sunday, a friend asked me to help her with some academic stuff she's working on because she's unclear about the psychological assessment component, which is my area of expertise. In the afternoon, The Girl and I actually were able to do some serious pool time for only about the second or third time this summer. I have never been this catfish belly white in my life. Hell, I was born with a better tan than this, and I'd been indoors for 9 months! With all the rain and all the busy, I haven't had time to do much more than stare longingly at it between vacuumings & chemical applications. Sigh. Sunday evening, I found out that a dear friend of mine with whom I clocked countless volunteer hours when The Girl was in elementary school passed away Saturday, leaving behind a daughter just a few months older than The Girl and a husband, step son and grandchildren who will be lost without her. She was a true friend to everyone she met and will be sorely missed.

Yesterday, The Girl & I ran some errands in town before she went to band. While we were out, Mom called me in a panic stating that she needed my help on the computer. She's about to have her first book published and needed help formatting the poems from 75 individual documents into one long document. Sounds simple enough to you & me but she didn't know how to copy/paste. What she struggled with for hours I was able to accomplish in about 20 minutes, then I proofread it for good measure. When I got back home, all I wanted was a nap but Suz called me in a panic needing me to go to her custody hearing Wednesday 100 miles away from here at 9am. I was planning to go to my other friend's funeral but Suz was there for me when I needed her for my seemingly neverending custody crap the ex dragged me through, so it's the least I can do for her. Last night I went to the band hall to meet with some of the moms to organize uniforms, sew on buttons et cetera. The Man was asleep on the sofa when I got home at 9pm. He told me this morning that he tried to wait up for me. Riiiiiiight.

I know I'm overlooking something but the dogs are raising hell outside this morning. Greeeeaaaat! There's a stray donkey in my driveway. People in town get stray dogs & cats - we get stray livestock. Whatthefuckever am I to do with a donkey?! Shit. It's a wonder I ever get anything accomplished. Is it too early to start drinking yet?

So Long Suck Ass Year

2008 Sucked great big fat green donkey dicks. So much went wrong (hence the lack of blogging - I didn't want to bore you with the whining), yet somehow we managed to keep our home and family together. I'm so happy it's over and am looking forward to a brighter 2009. I'll re-take the oral licensing exam Saturday in Austin. Hopefully by Valentine's Day I'll be able to remove my training wheels, fly solo, and not worry about having to work under someone else's license - particularly those someones who forget to pay me for months on end.

Don't get me wrong. 2008 wasn't all bad. There are a number of things for which I am grateful. We have been blessed with good health and it's pretty clear by looking at us that we aren't missing any meals. I can finally tell the Grandtwins apart by looking at them. The Girl kicked ass as drum major, made All-Area band again and will try out Saturday to get into the All-State gig (yes the same day I do my orals - just 1 hour south of home instead of 3). The Man has decided that since he can't get a job anywhere he and our son in law (super-awesome guy, BTW) are going to start their own business repairing Ford vehicles in our barn. I have my own office in the next town over and have already seen 2 patients there in the 2 months since we took possession. My business partner is about to finish her PhD but already has her LSSP so we'll be able to do whatever we want pretty soon.

Things are happening and I can see wonderful opportunities on the horizon. This time next year I'll be in a whole different place financially and emotionally and maybe by then our business will be doing so well that we can afford at least a part-time clerical person.

Remind me to post pictures of the new place...

150 Things NOT To Do on a Dissertation Defense

Okay, though definitely in the home stretch, I'm still busier than all hell but I ran across this the other day and had to share. I wish I'd had it in time for my own defense because it would have helped me deal with the event my favorite way - with humor.

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for a moment of silence followed by the singing of our National Anthem..."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the spectators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

12. Puppet show.

13. Group prayer.

14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

17. Imitate Groucho Marx.

18. Mime.

19. Hold a Tupperware party.

20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

21. "Everybody rhumba!!"

22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

23. Charge a cover and check for ID.

24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..."

25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

28. Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.

29. Door prizes and a raffle.

30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...

34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).

37. Fashion show.

38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).

41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

42. Pass the collection basket.

43. Two-drink minimum.

44. Black tie only.

45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

46. Incite a revolt.

47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

48. Release a flock of doves.

49. Defense by proxy.

50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

53. "Professor Smith, will you marry me?"

54. Bring your pet boa.

55. Tell ghost stories.

56. Do a "show and tell".

57. Food fight.

58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

59. Halftime show.

60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

61. "OK - which one of you farted?"

62. Rimshot.

63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands.

64. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

65. 3-ring defense.

66. "Tag - you're it!"

67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"

69. Hang a piñata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X, Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

73. Make committee members wear silly hats.

74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

75. Do a soft-shoe routine.

76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

79. Tap dance.

80. Vaudeville.

81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.

83. Dress in top hat and tails.

84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

86. Shadow puppets.

87. Show slides of your last vacation.

88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

91. Call your advisor "sweetie".

92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.

93. Instant replay.

94. Laugh maniacally.

95. Talk with your mouth full.

96. Start speaking in tongues.

97. Explode.

98. Implode.

99. Spontaneously combust.

100. Answer every question with a question.

101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

103. Hand out 3-D glasses.

104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..."

105. Go into labor (especially for men).

106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.

107. "I don't know - I didn't write this."

108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.

109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.

110. Projectile vomit on your committee.

111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".

112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.

113. Invite the homeless.

114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"

115. Hide.

116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun andv"shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"

117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.

118. "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."

119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.

120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".

121. Play Thesis Mad Libs.

122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

123. Do your entire defense operatically.

124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you.
("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")

125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

126. Mosh pit.

127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")

128. Bring Howard Cosell back from the dead to do color commentary.

129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

130. Claim political asylum.

131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.

132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.

133. Live radio and TV coverage.

134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"

135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.

136. Use a TelePrompTer

137. "Take my wife - please!"

138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.

139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.

140. Offer a toast.

141. Firewalk.

142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.

143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.

145. "By the power of Greyskull..."

146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catch phrase. Not.

147. Stand on the table.

148. Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.

149. Hold a raffle.

150. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

Mostly stolen from these guys I modified a couple of their institution-specific items that nobody else would get and replaced them with my own. Please feel free to add yours in the comments!