Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Male Enhancement

Erectol XL:


fukuomouth:


ElfZyte:


Morningwood:


...and one I'm going to add to the sex talk for the kids in psyc2301 - From the Mythical Land of Cumalot - Wrap it up!



Next week: Breast Augmentation.

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Never Say Never

Apparently the Humanities Department chair at the college got some really good feedback from the kids about me and called me Thursday to ask if I'd teach general psych again for Summer I from 8-10:30 am Monday -Thursday. Either that or he was peeing on my leg and calling it rain because in reality he couldn't find anyone else to take the class.

The Summer I session lasts from May 29-June 28, and the pay is the same as what I got for the entire long semester, only all in one shot instead of spread out over 4 months. So since I already have the KeyNote presentations and the exams prepared I accepted the class. I just hope the first course wasn't a fluke and this one turns out to be the class from hell. Then again, I do have a flute to pay for for the foreseeable future, and a trip to pay for in July, so the money will come in handy. We'll see how it goes.

I can do anything for a month, right?

tags technorati : teaching

Tools for Success

So Saturday The Girl and I attended Texas Flute Society's annual flute festival at the University of North Texas. It's a fun-filled flutey day that caters to players at all levels and we recommend it highly to anyone interested in flute. Just like any convention, my favorite part is always the exhibitors rooms. There one can find all things flute-related, from accessories like flute-shaped cell-phone charms (you know I bought one) music stands, and sheet music all the way up to a $23,000 solid 14K gold Haynes handmade flute with engraved keys.

The coolest part is that all the major flute manufacturers set up exhibits and encourage attendees to play the flutes (they also provide alcohol swabs for the germophobes among us). What better way to sell a flute than to let it speak for itself? The Girl had a wonderful time working her way down the array of flutes offered by the Dallas flute specialty store Carolyn Nussbaum Music Company. She got halfway down the line of about 40 instruments and out came the sweetest, purest flute music I've ever heard her play. Her eyes widened and she said, "OHMIGOD! Did you hear that?! This is my flute, mom." She didn't want to put it down. Surprisingly, it wasn't the solid gold Haynes, either. Mind you, it was noisy as all hell in that room between seasoned pros noodling around on the Chaminade and beginner band kids who'd never even seen a piccolo before trying to screech a noise out of one, but the sound The Girl got out of that flute was phenomenal and soared over the din. It raised the hair on my arms - and that's hard to do.

One of the Carolyn Nussbaum employees came over to help us (everyone who works for her is a flute teacher and they really know their stuff). We took that flute and a couple more with several extra headjoints out to the hallway where it was somewhat quieter so The Girl could really listen to what she was playing. Our helper kep running back and forth bringing more to try. We narrowed the selections down to two, including The Girl's original selection, but just when things were getting interesting, it was time to run downstairs so she could play her solo.

In the past year and a half or so she's been pretty shy about me listening to her play, but to my surprise she actually let me go in the room to listen this time. When she started to play, it was clear that she was fighting her own flute (which is a really nice one: solid silver, open hole, B foot, French pointed keys, solid gold engraved lipplate, garnet gemstone crown - nothing to sneeze at) to get it to do what she wanted it to do. I wanted to cry. She had outgrown her flute and in her shyness to share her playing with me, I had missed it.

All I could think of is that she will be competing at All-State solo and ensemble Memorial Day weekend and she doesn't have the tools she needs to be successful at the level at which she is playing. Shit. Soooo I cooked up a plan - an activity at which I am highly skilled.

Thursday was the last day of school and she only had to be there for part of the day. I picked her up and fed her some line about how Honey (my mom) had a doctor's appointment in waythehell north Dallas and since she can't drive in the crazy traffic up there, we had to take her. We picked mom up and were on our way. We pulled up to Carolyn Nussbaum's store and the kid was clueless until she saw the name on the door while we waited to be buzzed in.

The woman with whom we worked at the flute festival was off that day, but I had called for an appointment the day before, and she remembered us and the flutes we were interested in. We worked with Carolyn herself in a quiet, private room with an impressive assortment of flutes and headjoints based on the ones we liked at the flute festival. One by one we worked through the combinations of instruments. The Girl got some major lessons in body mechanics and got to do some more serious work on the piece she's playing at All State. Carolyn was fun, professional and didn't push any particular flute, but really worked with us to find the perfect one for The Girl.

Two and a half hours later, guess which flute we ended up with? The one The Girl picked out at the festival - not because it was the most expensive or the prettiest, but because it was the one she produced the best sound on. Sure, it was more expensive than I'd have preferred but I'll be able to sell her old one for about a grand (watch for it on eBay) and she'll be able to repay me the remainder of the expense in scholarship money down the road. --Oh, and it will be the last flute I ever have to buy. Evahhh.

The coolest part about the whole deal though, besides the accolades about being The. Best. Effing. Mom. Ever., is that having the right tool for the job has sparked a renewed interest and belief in her own playing ability. That's priceless.

tags technorati : flute, teenagers, motherhood, Muramatsu, Carolyn Nussbaum, Texas Flute Society

Coming to the PHinisheD Line

Deep breath - heavy sigh... After a long string of very late nights, and much irritability while juggling family responsibilities, I just submitted the full draft of my dissertation to my committee. That's right kids - ALL FOUR CHAPTERS! All of 'em! I don't think I have the energy to go into all the gory details today, but suffice it to say that the bulk of the damn thing is finished. Edits are all that should remain at this point. Granted, said edits can go on for several months but I'm going to do my best to be sure to get them right the first time - and with a quickness. I really want to go back to work - at a real job - in a real shrink shop - playing with people's brains all day. If you know of anyone with a neuropsych postdoc position in the Dallas/Fort Worth or Waco areas, let me know. It's about the same driving distance for me either way.

PS
Is anybody besides me pissed that scrawny bologna-lipped Blake is still on Idol? Even The Man said, "WTF?!" Yeah, you knew I'd take time out for AI. I can't belieeeve America let Melinda go. She totally rocked my world every week. Jordin's cute and perky and all that shit in that amazonish mastiff or newfie pup kind of way, but Melinda - oh. mah. gawd. It almost makes me not want to watch the finals tonight.

Okay - I deserve a nap, so a nap I shall have!

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - You Dirty Dawg

First, an entry from ghost hunter Romulus Crowe, whose name even sounds spooky:


Aaaand on with our theme:
Doggie Style


Clem and Cletus


Supertarded Dawg


And my all-time favorite dog joke (although it sounds funnier coming from me 'cuz I look like a librarian & all that...)


Next week: Male enhancement

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

FUUUUCK!

Did I mention I have to completely redo my statistical analysis - by yesterday?

(*lol*cat courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?)

tags technorati : bitching, statistics

Slammed...

Okay guys - I've finished the results section. Now I've just gotta tweak the Table of Contents & wrap up the discussion section tonight & I'll be ready to submit that stupid dissertation thingy to my committee. Needless to say I guess, I am seriously slammed. I know my input's been missed at Desperately Seeking...Something and at the blogs that belong to people whom I stalk, but hopefully tomorrow I'll be back to my normal routine.

In the interim, enjoy Moral Orel.

Condemed Cartoon Carnival - Odds & Ends

I had a bunch of odds & ends in the CCC inbox so here they are...
"Death to Barbie" from the beautiful & talented Natalia over at I Moved Your Cheese, Moron.


Jack (Nicholson) in the Box


Once upon a time...


Granny's Groove


Next week: Dogs.

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

My Latest Earworm

Everybody sing: "Elbows up - side to side...El-Elbows up - side to side - I lean like Cholo..."


And the remix:


*Shakin' my groove thang off into the sunset...*

The Most Versatile Word

This from my Mom...(although I disagree that it's FUCK)
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit, or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens................

Advancement to Candidacy

Advancement to Doctoral Candidacy

The status of Advancement to Doctoral Candidacy will be automatically conferred upon students who have achieved the following steps in their doctoral programs:

1. Completion of the Learning Plan.

2. Approval of the dissertation proposal and all pre-requisite requirements of proposal approval.

3. Completion of the Comprehensive Assessment and all pre-requisite requirements of the Comprehensive Assessment.

4. Completion of a minimum of 55 units of academic course credit in the knowledge areas.

5. Clinical psychology students only: Completion of the minimum hours for residency, psychological assessment labs, and clinical practicum. If the pre-internship evaluation is required of your catalog, this must also be completed.

With the exception of #2, all of the above have been done for at least 2 years. Today, #2's official. Don't expect to hear much from me for a few days. I have to crank out the last 2 chapters with a quickness.

You KNOW I totally just ordered my doctoral robe, hood, tam and tassel...gotta have that Ph.D. blue velvet, bayybee! It will be shipped mid-June. I can hardly wait.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Flatulence

From the lovely, talented and brilliant Natalia over at "I Moved Your Cheese, Moron," the real reason dinosaurs are extinct:


Another from Natalia - the Howard Stern/Anna Nicole Smith fart-off, including the Sybian fart-meter:

...I'm beginning to think she doesn't have anything else to do ;o)

...Aaaand, here's what I dredged up...
Keep sending those pictures of dead presidents and he'll keep praying for your soul...


Stupid human tricks. I wonder how long he had to practice to do that.


...and now a word from our sponsor...


Bus Stop


Cubism



Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Spreadin' the Luuuv

Okay, I was tagged by Mr. Disgruntled over at the super-hilarious Disgruntled Workforce for some hot & nasty feed-subscription linky-love.

From Bob Meets World:

The idea is simple: You want readers and you want linkbacks too because that's all us bloggers want, it's more precious than water for some :)

So what do you do?

Easy! Copy the list down below on your blog, hence creating linkbacks for your blogging friends and then click the RSS feed link to subscribe to all of them. Add yourself and up to 3 other blogs and their feeds to the list before you post it, Show some love :)

Just imagine if 10 people would do this and then 10 more after them. That would get your blog 100 extra linkbacks and 100 extra feed subscribers!

Why is this good?

Technorati rank and estimated RSS subscribers are a large part of sites like reviewme, where you get paid to review stuff. The better your rank on technorati and the more subscribers on feedburner for example will get you more money :)

Feeds I’m

Adding:

Subscribe to SlickSumbich

Subscribe to Desperately Seeking...Something?


Subscribe to I Moved Your Cheese, Moron



The Originals:

• Subscribe to My Bloody Great Nutshell


• Subscribe to Disgruntled Workforce


• Subscribe to Ramblings of An Undisturbed Mind


• Subscribe to EveryBodyGoTo


• Subscribe to By The Sea


• Subscribe to Life Among Other Things


• Subscribe to Blog About Your Blog



• Subscribe to Mikes Money Making Mission


• Subscribe to Blog-Op


• Subscribe to BobmeetsWorld


• Subscribe to LifeisRisky



• Subscribe to Thoughtsfrommylife


• Subscribe to CountRamblings


• Subscribe to TheThinkingBlog


• Subscribe to NotsoBoringLife



• Subscribe to DoshDosh


• Subscribe to KumikosCashQuest


• Subscribe to Fuery


• Subscribe to JohnChow



• Subscribe to Sean-Dinner


• Subscribe to BrownBaron


• Subscribe to EverydayWeekender


• Subscribe to BenSpark



• Subscribe to DotSauce Domain Magazine


• Subscribe to BloggingSecret


• Subscribe to Wampago

Subscribe to Random Good Stuff

Subscribe to Serenity Quest


Subscribe to Maunderings from Dissertation Hell




Okay, so now if someone could please just tell me how on earth I go about getting paid to natter on, then all will be right in Hell.

tags technorati : linky love, memes

Despite Everything I Got Something Done

Hi y'all. Didja miss me? Well, lemme tell ya...since getting back from the band trip Saturday I've been busier'n a three-peckered billy goat. Saturday evening we had dinner with The Man's daughter at their new home around the corner from us along with several family members and close family friends. Sunday my mom came by to have me take some pictures of her for a new book she's having published. I've been trying to get the final exam ready to give the kids this morning and we had one of those killer Texas thunderstorms with 90-mile-an-hour straight line winds last night that downed a bunch of trees, including the one pictured above, which landed over my driveway, bent the pole fence out front and blocked the road. I drove The Man's demo out to the gate to take the picture and upon coming back down the driveway in reverse, I slid off the concrete and buried the truck up to its axle in the mud. I didn't take a picture of that. I think I muttered something under my breath that rhymed with truck...can't be sure. At any rate, The Man had to push me out of the mud with his big ol' tractor before he could use it to move the trees out of the road. You can imagine how happy he was with me. ;oD

During all this, our dinner (a really nice pot roast I'd had on the stove since 10:30 am, with smushed taters & brown mushroom gravy and steamed squash - all from fresh & from scratch -Slick would be proud..) was getting cold. Then, before we could even sit down to eat, our son-in-law brought the Grandtwins over for about an hour or so because the power was out at their house. They chattered throughout American Idol. Gr. It's the only show I watch and I was invested in Pinhead Chris' departure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the crayon pictures with all the hearts and flowers and shit are great, but shut up already - jeez.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I was supposed to make up a mock dataset and run and write up a mock curvilinear regression analysis so my consulting faculty will be happy with the knowledge that I understand curvilinearity before she goes on vacation tomorrow so I can move ahead with my dissertation. I'd planned to get it to her early yesterday evening but that didn't work out because of all the other crap going on. Without that, I can't officially move on until she gets back May 29, which, naturally, will put me in a huge bind if I'm going to have the draft of the last 2 chapters in within the next couple of weeks so I can graduate in July. Because you know - I can't shit without the committee's permission or without giving them a fully detailed description of its color, texture, aromatic and flotation qualities, et cetera. Of course, the storm knocked out both my internet and cell service, so even if by some miracle I had gotten it finished according to plan, I couldn't have sent it to her anyway. So I stayed up after everyone else went to bed (that's actually when I do my best, least distracted work) until around 1:30am and got it done. Interestingly, the internet tower beamer thingy reset itself about 15 minutes before I was finished so I was able to send it to her last night instead of waiting until this morning to try to send it from school. That was good because the internet service there is dodgy most of the time anyway.

So. I get up around 5am and toddle out the door this morning at 7 for my last day as a college professor. There were 6 students who had to take the final. Unfortunately, I had to bake in extra security measures because one student was ratted out for cheating on the last exam (I gave the ratter a couple of points extra credit to make sure she passed the course with an A). At any rate they were finished within 30 minutes and while I was there and had the classroom all to myself for another hour and a half, I went ahead and graded them, filled out the grade report, and turned it in at the administration building. As of 10am Central Hell Time, I am no longer a college professor - yippee!

I'm still waiting for feedback about the mock analysis from the consulting faculty so I didn't know what to do with the rest of the day. After some thought, I took a book about sex and sexuality that I'd bought donate to The Girl's high school library to the librarian (more on that another day) then came home, took a nap and as soon asI woke up, I sat down to let y'all know I haven't forgotten about you. It's just been crazy around here - and believe me - I know crazy - in the biblical sense.

Oh yeah - and I have poison ivy. Again. More on that later, too.

tags technorati : bitching, statistics, teaching, Texas, dissertation, American Idol,