Yeah - What Susie Said...

Have I mentioned that I simply adore this woman?

More about my favorite sex-positive heroine at Wikipedia.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Angry Kid

This week: Angry Kid - a special treat from the UK, submitted by our good blogger friend the famous (or is that infamous?) ghost hunter Romulus Crowe.

Phone Sex


I-Spy


Wanker


Butt Plug


Tourette's


Next week: Old People

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

March-O-Rama

Yeah, that would be the dads' routine at the marching band gigs ;o)

So the kids did an outstanding job and came in 14th in the area. Since only the top 4 bands advance, this means our kids don't get to advance again. They also don't get to even try again for 2 more years, unlike our athletics teams, who have the opportunity to advance every year. In a way that's a good thing - it means that those pre-dark-thirty marching practices have officially ended until next fall. It also means the kids can concentrate on their honor band audition music. The first audition - at the all-district level - is next Saturday, hosted at our local high school. At least we don't have far to drive to get them there.

Are YOU Tough Enough?

The Girl bought a t-shirt at the marching competition Saturday that really sums up the high school marching band experience.

If you think it's hard to:

Carry 45 pound of dead weight on your shoulder and stand up straight

Practice in the heat and perform in the snow

Get along with 200 people you really love (No, really!)

Stand in close proximity to 20 guys hitting drums with everything they've got while bopping your head like you're into it

Blow until your lungs explode

Wear an 80-pound wool uniform in 110 degree heat

Watch your music and the director while exhaling, moving your fingers, coordinating that with your tongue, tapping your foot, while continuously listening to the other players around you so that you can make one of a thousand adjustments

Learn several foreign languages (some of which are completely made up)

Maintain good posture while holding a horn and running the 100 yard dash (some players occasionally faltering, thus making it the 100 yard hurdles)

Understand the subtle difference between "as loud as possible" and "just a little bit louder than that"

Ride the yellow dogs while the football team rides the greyhound

Ask your parents to buy a new horn when they really want to buy you a pig and sign you up for the local chapter of Future Farmers of America

Sell band candy in order to fund your trip to some strange and exotic (often not so strange and exotic) and perhaps not so far away, in fact, it may be better to just eat the candy and stay home

Wear those 1930's q-tip hats we call shakos and chill in public

March for 10 miles in a local band directly behind "The Mighty One Hundred" equestrian team

Play Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits on an oboe

Listen to a bad tuba section - Listen to a good tuba section

Pay more for your instrument than you did for your car

Wear those monkey suits while your parents make it a Kodak moment

Remember to show up to a performance with all the little things that you might need like white gloves, valve oil, YOUR HORN - you know, the little things
Then MAYBE you're not tough enough to be IN THE BAND!

What a Birthday It Was

Sunday I had a birthday - I'm now 30 with 11 years' experience. All in all it was a lovely day. The Girl made a monstrosity of a chocolate pancake and covered it edge-to-edge with whipped cream, then slathered it with dulce de leche and chocolate syrup, then added another spire of whipped cream on top of that. Pure decadence! I could only eat about four bites before I felt like I would pass out. Add to that a lovely mocha amaretto latte - heavy on the amaretto, just the way I like it - and reading the newspaper in the sunroom and it was just about as perfect a morning as anyone could ask for. I didn't even get dressed until 3 in the afternoon when my sister in law dropped by to bring me a present - a really interesting book about one of my least favorite things in the world - wine.

The Man's card read:
My Wife
My Partner
My Love

"The best love is a lifelong love that sweetens the joys, softens the hurts, and strengthens two hearts as it grows" - J. Hund

We've been together a long time now.
We've laughed and cried
And seen each other through
Our best and worst and everything in between.
And today, when I look at you,
I feel even more love than I've ever felt before.
We have a history together
Full of shared memories that keep us close.
You are so much a part of me
And a part of my happiness
That it's impossible to imagine
What life would have been like without you.
You are my partner and my love,
And I ask nothing more than to spend
All the rest of my life with you.

Happy Birthday
Love,
The Man

The Girl's card read:
Mom, I want to thank you for the very special gifts you've given me all my life.

You've given me the gift of sweet childhood memories.
You've given me the gift of dreams:
The ones you've made come true
And the ones I achieved myself
Because of your encouragement.
But most important of all,
You've always given me the gift of your love,
The most precious gift of all.

There's no way I could possibly thank you enough
For these gifts and so many more.
I will always be so grateful,
And you will always have a special place in my life
-And in my heart.

-I love you mucho-ly! I just hope you know how much you're appreciated. You do so much for everyone and everyone loves you muchly.

Love, The Girl

Well, as you can probably imagine, those cards really got to me. It's not every day a busy wife and mom is told how much she's loved and appreciated.

When he asked me what I'd like for my birthday a few weeks ago, I told The Man that I would like either an iPhone or a new iPod to replace my 3rd generation 4-button 20G that's 6 years old and doesn't have room enough to hold all of my music, much less the audiobooks. He didn't know which one to get so he told me to just go get one or the other. I am now the proud owner of the Holy Grail of tech toys - the iPhone. I've only had it a couple of days but so far, so good. I'll give a full report after I've put it through its paces - but what I can say right now is this: You know how it looks so easy to use on the TV commercials? Yeah. It really is that easy. The coolest part is that it speaks the same language as my computer. Life is good.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - All Things Emo

This week: All Things Emo

Tickle me Emo


Emo and the Alky


Emo Girl Dolls


eMoTHeRapy - i cUt MYsElf


Emos: The only cereal that understands you


Next week: A surprise special treat submitted by Romulus Crowe that will have you laughing so hard your butt plug will fall out.

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Woohoo Band Nerdz!

So The Girl's band competed at the big march-off today and earned themselves a first division. This means that they get to advance to the All-Area marching competition next weekend. I'm so proud of them. Very tired, sunburned and windburned from sitting in a stadium with no shade, but very very proud. Our little band hasn't advanced to area in about 5 years and hasn't advanced to state in about 10, which was the last time they had new uniforms. Supposedly the school district has promised new uniforms if they make it to state. Send loads of positive energy their way so they can get some decent new gear. Gotta go shower off the sunscreen and sweat & head for bed, but I thought y'all might like to know.

Tales from the Dryer

This conversation took place in my house this morning after I found freshly laundered new clothes (as in just purchased yesterday) on top of the freezer. So I gathered up the still-warm clothing and headed toward The Girl's room to deposit them on her bed so she could hang them in her closet.

Girl (walking in from kitchen, stage left): What are you doing?
Me: Going to put these clothes on your bed.
Girl: Why?
Me: They're clean, aren't they?
Girl: Yeah, but they still smell weird.
Me: Weird? How?
Girl: You know - too new.

Me: O_o

Remind me to be proud of myself for not going into one of those, "When I was your age..." diatribes. For now, I'm just confused.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Anybody's Guess

This week: Anybody's Guess
First up, a submission from Romulus Crowe. Reminds me of some of the interviews I've had over the years, especially after I started gradual school...


Japanese Potty Training Video


Internet Commenter Retirement Party - (srsly!?)


Wizard of Oz Alternate Ending


Harry Potter - Bad Roommate



Next week: Emo

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Tha mo bhàta-foluaimein loma-làn easgannan

Yeah, so today's title means, "My hovercraft is full of eels," in Gaelic. Following the advice of my blog friend, the fabled ghostie hunter Romulus Crowe, I've decided to make my first trip to Europe a haunted tour of Scotland. Turns out Edinburgh is renowned as the most haunted city in the world. What fun! It will probably happen mid-to-late summer next year, but I'm going. Surprisingly, when I approached The Man about it, he said it sounded like fun, but getting him on the plane and away from his cattle & hay for 10 days may be another story. The Girl, on the other hand, is all over it, but then again she's always up for new experiences. There's still a lot of research for me to do before I land on an itinerary, but once I figure it all out and save a few ducats to pay for it, we're off. Today I even bought 4 travel guides that probably all say pretty much the same thing but that's okay, I'm going to Scotland! Any suggestions or advice is most welcome. Now if I can just find some kind of psychology conference to attend while I'm there so that I can write off part of the trip...

Oh yeah, I got so excited about travel planning that I almost forgot - my dissertation chair approved my last revision to be sent to the proofreader. Woohoo! That means I can start throwing dissertation-related crap (old articles, previous revisions, notes, graphs, statistical output, et cetera ad nauseum) away! The piles of loose paper in my office will be gone and it will look like an office again, not a heap of paperwork with burgundy walls. Life is guuuud.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Abstinence

This week: Abstinence
Abstain With Me, Baby


Abstinence is Murder!


Purity with Priscilla:


The Right Time to Make Love:


Your Virginity:


Bush's War on Sex:


Bill Maher Weighs In:


Walking-Only Drivers Ed:


WTF O_o:


Next week: Anybody's Guess

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

And Now For Something Completely Different

I'm off to take mom to Central Market today but I wanted to leave you with this. I've had a weird version of "The Lumberjack Song" rolling around in my head.

It goes:
I'm an atheist and I'm okay
I get to sleep in on Sunday...

That's all I got - can you help me finish it?

Night of the Living Stupid People (aka Popcorn Diaries Part Deux)

Okay so yesterday there was this big email discussion going on - without everyone in the loop - that we were going to table the fryer discussion yet again. This was after we had already voted on it unanimously with one abstention, which counts as an "Aye" according to parliamentary procedure. There was a statement made that we were like kids in a candy store and were spending too much money - none of this of course was said to either the concession chair or me, who is just a helper and shows up to do what I'm told which is usually take care of the popcorn and snowcones and be sure to put an article about the band in the newspaper every week. Once I was forwarded this long and asinine email string which I won't include here, and had some time to think, I chimed into the discussion (probably to the dismay of everyone else once they get to work this morning and start checking email) and I told them exactly what I think. I tried to remain calm and just state the facts but here is my reply (let me know if you think I've been too harsh, wouldja?):

M, thank you for including me in the loop. This appears to be a
discussion that should have included everyone from the beginning. Here
are some general observations I've made in the course of all this
nonsense. To preface my statements, I want to make very clear that
secrets, lies and not talking about what everybody knows but is afraid
to say is not helpful to anyone. Please be advised that I am not
writing anything here that I would not be willing to discuss with any
of you face-to-face and welcome your input if I have misperceived
something.

First, let me remind everyone that our purpose in having a band
booster organization is supposed to be about helping our kids. Please
ask yourselves: how is all of this bickering and infighting helping
our kids? Are you so accustomed to fighting that you don't know how
not to bicker and fight, even over things that should be a non-issue?
--Or are you so accustomed to scarcity and lack that you fear every
nickel we bring in is going to be the last one we ever see? Investing
in equipment is just that - an investment that will help us do our job
as a booster club better by allowing us to make more money because
we'll be able to serve our customers better. If we're not feeding the
people, we're not making money. If we don't have adequate and
functioning equipment, we can't feed the people, therefore we can't
make money. It's that simple. It's not rocket science and shouldn't
need my Mensa card or my PhD to understand.

We are making more money in the concession this year than has been
reported in the last 4 years. This is curious to me, considering that
food costs have only gone up, and we're feeding the same old crowd,
but with no appreciable changes in menu pricing. Is all of the
controversy supposed to serve as a smokescreen for something else? I'm
just wondering because everything isn't adding up.

Considering the money we are bringing in, and that we allocated $2000
for a new fryer last year, it would seem that we can afford to spend
more on quality - as we voted and approved - instead of the usual
"WalMart Fall Aparts" that have been purchased - and repurchased - and
repurchased ad nauseum in the past. If you buy quality to begin with,
it costs less in the long run because it isn't necessary to constantly
replace or repair it. Again, it shouldn't take a PhD to understand
that. As much fried food as we sell at every game - well in excess of
the $600 purchase price of the big fryer we voted for and approved
Monday - it will pay for itself in less than one game and be around
for a very long time because it was designed to handle that kind of
volume. When Santa (or the Easter Bunny or whatever imaginary friend
you choose) doesn't come, we'll still have adequate equipment so that
we can feed the people and therefore continue to be able to make money
-uninterrupted and without controversy or additional expense for
several years. If by some miracle the school does come through, we can
sell a nearly new commercial fryer for nearly all of what we have in
it. We'll get nothing back from a nearly new home fryer. I'm not
holding my breath though, considering that they've been promising the
choir similar improvements since that building was constructed and
clearly those improvements haven't happened. The 10, 14 and 15 pound
fryers were presented at the meeting two weeks ago when D and I
initially presented fryer information - the 20 pound just gives us the
most bang for the buck so that's what we voted on - unanimously, with
one abstention, which counts as a Yes, according to parliamentary
procedure. I think the bylaws say that once we've approved something,
we're supposed to follow through. It doesn't make sense to continue to
throw good money after bad, because that doesn't help our kids.

There is no "kid in a candy store" situation here unless you count the
ventahood that was purchased on an "executive decision," without a
vote, sight unseen and without having done any research into what it
was going to take to install it. Boy are we all getting an education
in electrical engineering! The reality of the situation is that things
break down and wear out, and they never wear out alone - they always
take something else down with them. Bad things happen in 3's, right?
Eventually all the bubblegum, baling wire and redneck engineering in
the world isn't going to help and it ends up being more costly - and
dangerous - not to proceed with new equipment and unfortunately it
doesn't come free. My husband had to buy a new tractor, rake, round
and square balers a couple of years ago when they all wore out and had
to be replaced all at once - during the middle of hay season - to the
tune of well over 100K, so I understand that. This appears to be the
year for that to happen for us, although thankfully not on the scale
of our haying equipment. Not to throw gas on the fire, but I forgot to
mention the big metal spring that fell out of the snowcone machine
into some kid's snowcone Friday night (lawsuit, anyone?). I'm not
saying we need a new one. It may have come from one of the bags of
ice, but it's a heads-up so that we are ALL in the loop that it may be
our next casualty. Sorry - stuff breaks - that's life - get over it
and let's move on and get back to the business of feeding the people
and making money so we can help our kids.

My dad and I purchased and delivered the new refrigerator this morning
so Coke should be happy with us now. Thanks for letting us into the concession stand,
C! It even has the wire shelves about which K1 was so
insistent. When I told dad about how much money we are trying to raise
for the uniforms, he offered to approach the VFW membership about
doing some other fundraising activities like a special bingo, a
motorcycle "fun run" and several other activities that typically bring
in at least a couple of grand a pop and wouldn't have to be approved
through the school. However, I am seriously reluctant to accept their
generosity, given the behavior of Mr. B, K1 and K2 over the grant
for the refrigerator. The last thing we want to do is come off as a
bunch of ingrates, and that was the direction Mr. B, K1 and K2
were heading. How sad that they don't possess the social skills to how
to graciously accept a gift. I didn't tell my dad about the asinine
controversy because I would like to be able to approach them for more
help in the future, despite my misgivings. After all, it is supposed
to be about helping our kids and if the adults can't conduct
themselves any better than that, it's not worth the embarrassment.

In the interest of honesty and while I'm airing my views, according to
the bylaws, the band director can ask the boosters for things, but he
has no say in how we spend the funds we generate. Don't get me wrong,
I support Mr. B and I want him to have whatever his little heart
desires, but he is not allowed to dictate how we spend the funds. End
of story. Maybe having K1 as vice president leans toward a conflict
of interest in that area. Mr. B can be a good band director -I've seen
it- but he has a bad temper and takes his personal and professional
frustrations out on the kids - sadly, I've seen that, too - too much
of it. They get tired of being yelled and cussed at over minutiae
while his perfect boys get away with murder and handed the best
solos, et cetera. This is a big part of the reason why we can't keep
kids in band or keep parents involved. Without the kids we have no
band/Without involved parents we can't help our kids.

Our top leadership doesn't appear to know how to lead, only how to
boss and bicker. People don't like to work with K2 because she
doesn't know when to stop talking, doesn't appear to have an inside
voice or room in her world view for an opinion other than her own. Not
to be mean but in fact, when people are called to volunteer in the
concession stand, often the first thing they ask is if K1 and/or
K2 are going to be there and they won't come if they know either of
them are going to be there because they don't like being yelled at or
having their cases climbed over something minor. That's not how you
treat volunteers, but they've made it pretty clear that they don't
think officers should work it anyway - personally, I don't think any
of us are too good.

K1 is another story entirely. People don't like to work with her
because of her hot temper and negative attitude. You never know when
she's going to verbally attack someone - or worse, show up at your
house raising cain and further traumatizing your daughter who was
already sexually harassed by at least one of her sons. In my personal
and professional experience, if a person has problems with everyone
with whom they come in contact, chances are really good that the
problem does not lie with everyone else. It is sad that it had to come
down to K1 getting chewed on the other night. Perhaps she should
have spoken up during the meeting instead of sitting there red-faced
and stewing then waiting until the people she was talking about behind
their backs were gone. Considering that K1 has no absolutely no
qualms about jumping in the middle of anyone she perceives as crossing
her path, perhaps it's time she learns to take a dose of what she
dishes out, because that type of behavior does not help our kids.

Frankly, I am disgusted and embarrassed that grown people are acting
this way when we're supposed to be about helping the kids. I've
considered leaving the organization because of the stupid circular
arguments, walking on eggshells and the groupthink tendency to want to
do things half-assed, but someone has to be the voice of reason and
keep our mission of helping our kids in mind. This ridiculousness has
gone on long enough. Let's move on and get back down to the business
of helping our kids.

Postdoc, Anyone?

So Friday I met with the neuropsychologist I've trained with for the last six years about a potential postdoc. About a month ago, he resigned from his position at the public hospital in Fort Worth to go into private practice with two neurologists in an area closer to DFW airport. When I walked into his office, I was shocked to find that it was a REAL office, not an old patient room in the old wing of the hospital - or a broom closet. It wasn't stacked "up to there" with piles of files and test equipment and various stuff because there was actually room to store everything. He looked relaxed - and happy - for the first time since I'd met him in the fall of 2001.

After the "How's the family's," I asked him, "So, how's business out here in the suburbs?"

He smiled as he replied, "If I have two more months like the one I just had, I will have made a year's salary at the hospital."

"No shit?"

(more grinning) "No shit."

Long story short, he's still interested in mentoring me. I'm still interested in learning from him. So we're going to do business in the way we've done in the last six years. We just have to work out the details.

Woohoo! No silly APPIC match for me -- again! This is the way it should be. If people want to work together then they agree to work together - no intermediaries, no huge piles of resumes mailed out to every program in the world and absolutely no computer matching. The coolest parts though are that I don't have to break in another supervisor and I'll still have the flexibility and understanding about family responsibilities I've enjoyed all along.

More as things develop...

Concession Stand Confessional (aka the Popcorn Diaries)

The level of people's stupidity never ceases to amaze me. I am the publicity officer for the Band Boosters for The Girl's high school band, so every Monday night through football season I have to attend these asinine meetings with four sensible people and two gap-toothed, baboon-assed, booger-eating morons. Unfortunately the Two are the president and vice president of the group and they appear more interested in bickering, bitching, fighting and hindering the work of the group than anything else. The president is just a twit and the vice president is the band director's wife - which is a conflict of interest since the band director is not allowed a vote - although the Two do try to push his agenda. The Two are disliked by the greater membership and there have been a number of people who have stated outright that they will not work with them because a) they are bossers, not leaders and 2) all they want to do is bitch and fight. I think it's because they're so used to bitching and fighting over every little thing that they don't know how to not, but what do I know?

At any rate, our most important fundraiser for our band kids is the home-side concession stand at football games. This year, we switched sides when the stadium renovation was complete and the home side was moved to the South side of the stadium. The new concession is newer and a little bigger but I can't honestly say it's any better. The electrical system wasn't exactly installed "to code" or by "licensed electricians," but it is what it is and after some fiddling about with what equipment can be plugged in where, and what combinations of things can't be plugged in together without tripping breakers, things finally ran smoothly at Friday night's game (of which I was in charge because our concession chair was out of town).

We've had issues for a few years now with equipment. The band director seems to think that with enough bubblegum, baling wire and "redneck engineering," that things should last forever. The Man and I are usually in charge of running the popcorn and snowcone machines. People in Fundietonfieldvilleview absofuckinglutely love popcorn and snowcones and since they're such high profit items, we take in loads of money that's almost pure profit. So much so that realistically we can't afford not to sell these two items. The popcorn machine started giving us problems from the first game this season. The screw that held the kettle dump handle in place stripped out so we couldn't dump corn into the cabinet and although the kettle got hot, it took forever to heat up and pop a batch of corn. The Man was trying to dump the corn by using pot holders but was burning himself. Before the following game, the band director "fixed" it but he fixed it incorrectly and it finally gave out during the first quarter of our homecoming game. My husband informed the concession chair that if that machine was still sitting there the next time he came to help, he would turn around and go back home.



Interestingly, as I was searching for a new machine for the concession stand, I ran across one of those really cool antique looking ones on a cart for $500 on Craigslist. It was only about a 2 & 1/2 hour drive away so The Man had me go down and get it the same day I was to go to ACE Mart for the new one for the concession stand (an hour the other direction). I need to find a better place to put it than the game room but I guess it's okay right there as long as no one's trying to play pool.
So anyway, with the band director insisting that the old machine was fine (which it's not, but then again he doesn't use it so he really doesn't know - he just likes to bitch and fight because apparently that's all they know how to do), I put together a presentation for the next meeting about popcorn, the popcorn machine, how much we sell, and how much we lose when we don't sell it. I left them wiggle room and when it was put to a vote, everyone voted yes except one abstention - you got it, one of the Two. So I trotted down to ACE Mart restaurant supply to buy a shiny new popcorn maker. As The Girl and I were carrying it in from my truck, I backed into some weight equipment in the field house and fell, with the popcorn machine falling on top of me. Fortunately it wasn't damaged, which is good because I ended up having to take it back because we didn't have the correct electrical outlet for plugging in the machine. Soooo I went back to ACE Mart and got a smaller one that used a regular grounded plug. The cool part though is that it heated up in no time and was popping corn immediately and so far we have not had any problems keeping up with demand. -Oh and it hasn't tripped any breakers. Can't forget that.

This is what my arm looks like when a popcorn machine falls on it.
This is what my ass looks like when I fall over weight machines in the field house with a popcorn machine on top of me. There were other bruises too but these were the worst.

The next equipment issue is the refrigerator. We don't have one. Instead, we have removed the bottom couple of racks from the 7-foot tall coolers provided to us by Coca Cola via the contract with the school. One of the stipulations of that contract is that non Coca Cola product is not to be kept in them -ever. That doesn't just mean no competitor's products, that also extends to non-competitor products such as ranch dressing, lettuce, cheese, or anything else not specifically produced and marketed by the Coca Cola company. However for at least the last 11 years, that's exactly where they've kept the ranch dressing, lettuce, cheese and everything else that would normally be kept in a refrigerator. Last week our Coke rep came by to meet with the concession chair to check on things, not only how well she was servicing us but how well we were complying with the contract. The band director and the Two were incensed about this visit, "What was she doing down there!?" Well, it's her fucking job and she also visited every other installation of these coolers, including the choir concession and the regular vending machines throughout the school district. She informed us that we should be thankful that her boss didn't see all that stuff in the bottom of both of our coolers because he'd yank those coolers out of there in a heartbeat. Where would we be then?

So I called a few people to ask them to keep their ears to the ground for a good refrigerator that we could pick up cheap. The next day, my dad called me back and said that he was unable to get us a refrigerator. Of course I thanked him for trying and told him I appreciated his effort et cetera. Then he informed me that instead he got us a $350 grant from the local VFW post for a new refrigerator. You'd think these thundercunts (thanks, Jess!) would be excited about such a generous windfall, but NOOOOOO! The band director informed us that we didn't need a refrigerator but we do need a freezer and that's where he wanted to spend the money. (Nevermind that we just bought a brand new freezer last year that works great, it's just a little small in that it can only hold enough product for one game at a time, not for the entire season.) Besides, there's a behemoth of a cabinet-looking thing that used to be a refrigerator in the storage room (where there's no electrical outlet) that belongs to the sports boosters that he wants to pay to try to get fixed and use the grant money to buy a freezer. So the discussion was tabled at last week's meeting. O_o

Uh - reality check, please? First of all, the nature of grants is that grant money must be used for the purpose for which it has been earmarked. Period. Second, in our local VFW (of which I'm a 3rd generation life member of the Ladies Auxiliary, so I know how they operate), an initial grant to anyone is never more than about $150-200, but since The Girl is my dad's only granddaughter and it was benefitting her band, dad got it approved.

What I couldn't seem to help them understand was that if we handle this well, then we are guaranteed more -and bigger- grants in the future. If we handle it really really well, they may host a benefit for us like a casino night or auction or something that couldn't be done through the school (When my high school band wanted to go to Disney, they raised over $10,000 for us - and that was over 20 years ago). On the other hand, if we handle this badly, as the band director and the Two are trying to do, we not only lose this grant but any potential future grants - not only from the VFW, but any other charitable organization. Most of these guys are members of more than one similar group. My dad is a member of the VFW, American Legion, Moose, Elks, and Masons - and he's just one guy. Not only that but these old guys are bigger gossips than the wimmin, so handling the grant badly will definitely get us blacklisted and possibly even sued for misappropriation. Yet the Two want to argue over something that isn't costing us anything because that's what they like to do - bitch and fight. I pointed these issues out to them last night despite numerous attempted interruptions by the Two and after a vote (can you believe it? A vote over a freebie??) I'll be going to pick up the new refrigerator this week and I'll be sure to give dad and the guys at the VFW some extra love in the newspaper. After all, it's to help the kids - isn't it?

Hopefully the last equipment issue is the fryer. We've been using these stupid home countertop fryers for french fries, cheese sticks, corny dogs and now fried pickles as long as anyone can remember and have spent anywhere from $150 to $300 every year of the four since I've been active in band boosters and probably every year for eons before that replacing them, because they just weren't designed to handle the load we put on them. We are down from four fryers to one fryer owned by band boosters, and one owned by one of the Two. My personal fryer is also at the concession as a backup but we're not going to be able to continue to work with these much longer. If we're not feeding people, we're not making money and our job in the concession stand is to make money. Isn't it? Sometimes I get confused.

Last year we discussed purchasing a heavy duty restaurant style tabletop fryer, but the school can no longer serve fried foods so they donated a big ol' commercial fryer to us. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's been more trouble than it's worth. First, when it was deposited in the concession, it was filthygrossnassssty. We've done all we can to clean it up, but it's still dripping grease on the floor and the bottom reservoir has been soaking in industrial degreaser for 2 months and still won't come clean. Then we found out that we need a commercial vent a hood to run it. Somehow an "executive decision" was made (probably by the Two and the band director in his office without consulting any of the other officers) to purchase a used one for $800. It is still sitting on the ground outside the concession. My stepdad is a federally licensed electrician and he agreed to come give us an estimate to install it. He couldn't touch it for under $4700 because of the labor and parts involved. We'd still need to hire a plumber licensed with the Railroad Commission to come in and install the fryer itself, incurring yet more expense in parts and labor. On top of that, there would be no guarantee that the vent a hood would even work because it was purchased used and sight unseen and has been sitting outside in the weather for six weeks. With the exception of the Two, the officers wanted to list it on Craigslist, ebay or whatever and sell the behemoth for which we never voted (and the bigass fryer we cant' use if the superintendent will allow us to since it was given to us) and purchase an industrial tabletop fryer for $600. The Two still wanted to try to get the school district to pay that 5 grand or more, thus further delaying our ability to feed the masses. The vote was taken and we'll be buying a new fryer this week too. If we're not feeding people we're not making money. If we're going to feed people to make money it is essential that we have equipment that is functioning properly - or am I missing something?

Here's the thing though. This is my 5th year working in the concession stand and my second year to work every home game. Ever since I started, the reported take for a home game was always around $400 - $700 for a big game like homecoming. Madame president was concession chair for all but last year but the reported take was the same. This year we have a different concession chair and a different treasurer. Food costs have gone up, Fundietonfieldvilleview hasn't grown appreciably and concession traffic seems about the same. So why is it that we're bringing in anywhere from $1200 on a very slow night and $3500 for homecoming? Friday night's game we cleared $2598 and we sold nothing during the 4th quarter when our team started losing. I think the Two and possibly the band director are so protective of the money we earn because they think it's theirs - because maybe they have been putting it in their own pockets? Or maybe they act like every dime that comes in will be the last one because their worldview is one of scarcity. Maybe I'm confused again, and I hate to accuse people of wrongdoing without proof, but something doesn't look right.

Then, just when I thought everything was in the clear, some kind of big metal spring fell out of the snowcone machine into some little kid's snowcone. The guy running the machine fished it out but I guess that will be our next purchase. I wonder how hard we'll have to fight over that one. At least those are only about $700. It's only money - we'll make more, right?

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Rednecks

This week: Rednecks
Redneck 911 Call


Red State Update: Ahmadinejad Hearts NY


Kin


Redneck Zombies


Thanksgiving


Redneck girls like real big weiners


Crudbucket Hills Showcase of Homes


Next week: Abstinence Only Sex Education

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, MySpace, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

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Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
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tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny