4 Months From Now

Sigh. Here I sit trying to cobble together enough business every month to pay my bills. Altogether they aren't much really, but I thought seriously that I'd at least be making a living wage by this point and could contribute more to our family expenses. As it stands, I have what amounts to a handful of part time jobs, none of which pay worth a crap because they're kind of on an on-call basis, and the people I work for have pretty crappy reputations, so the referrals aren't coming in like they used to, so I'm not getting called as often. Granted part of the problem is that some of the referring agencies are at the end of their budget year, so they should pick up a little after September 1.

The good news though is that four months from today, my postdoc year (read: indentured servitude) will be over and I can start my independent professional life on my own terms. Sure I'll be slogging through the Medicare and insurance provider paperwork and trying to get established in my own practice with all the headaches and bills that entails, but at least I will be working under my own reputation and license, not someone else's. The better news is that I am already beginning to establish my own reputation and relationships with the major referrers in the region. They like my work, they like me personally and they have made it very clear that they want to know when and where I hang my shingle. It just can't be done until after the licensing paperwork is completed. I'll mail it December 4. Last year when I filed my provisional paperwork on the same date, it was approved December 31. Of course I didn't get the confirmation for a couple more weeks, but at least I got it.

The training for the giant corporate online university feels oddly like American Idol. There ended up being 378 trainees in my entry level class, then I was assigned to a group of 1o. Within the first week 4 of them dropped. Of the remaining 6 only 3 of us were in the same entry class so there was at least one other huge ass entry class somewhere. The training itself seems like a lot of busy work, but they have selected me to continue on to the next stage so that's good, I guess, except so far I'm not seeing a lot of attention being paid to academic rigor. After the next 2 weeks in developing syllabi et cetera (mind you I've already been through the first 2 weeks so in total this will be a full month of "training" i.e. working for free), the next stage will see me actually teaching a class with an instructor's instructor who can give me feedback on how I'm doing. I appreciate that. I will get paid the full rate for a doctoral level instructor for teaching that class, but that won't happen until the end of September. At least it's something to look forward to, but there's no guarantee that I'll even be offered a position until after the class wraps up in mid-to-late October.

Still no word on whether or not I'll be teaching at the community college again, and class starts in 3 weeks. The Psyc/Soci instructor/coordinator guy left in May, which is why the division chair asked me to apply for that job, which I did immediately - in May. Now the division chair is leaving so the two top leadership positions in that area are vacant, and nobody's saying a word. I'm debating whether to shoot a friendly email to the human resources coordinator to check on the status of my application.

The good news of the whole thing is that at least I'm 2/3 of the way through the postdoctoral purgatory year and that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Take one look around and you can see that nobody's starving around here. We still have a roof over our heads, the lights are still on, and I still have stuff I can sell on eBay. I can do anything for 4 months. However, if you know the money fairy, could you send it my way? Kthxbai.

Holidaze Over, Need Naps Nao Plz. Kthxbai.

moar funny pictures

Look. I maded a lolcat - but I eated it. This kitteh blongs to The Grandtwins. I like cats - as long as they're "over there." I have serious allergy to cats that leaves my eyes looking like the creature from The Blob. Anyway, I took this picture at a recent gathering at their house. Just moments before, kitteh was beating the hell outta that reindeer plushy so my caption seemed appropriate. I don't know if it will make it to I Can Has Cheezburger or not but it was fun to do anyway.

It's been a busy few days. Mostly I've been curled up by the fire reading books in my new leather chair (which matches the new leather group & tables that The Man & I purchased for Holiday - yes, apparently after 14 years our relationship has moved into the "one large purchase for everyone" phase. Next year what do you want to bet we buy a plasma TV "for both of us"?). At any rate, I read books (devoured, if I'm being honest) - real books of the non-academic type. Books that had nothing to do with brains or neuropsychology or academics and were not written at a postgraduate level, so I blasted through them in no time flat.

Bitter is the New Black

Little Black Book of Wine

Frommer's Dream Vacations

Windows on the World Complete Wine Course

I Am Woman, I Am Invincible...I Am Tired

The Complete Travel Detective Bible

Culture Shock! Scotland: A Survival Guide to Customs and Etiquette

...and my personal favorite, Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. I really have a thing for Chef Bourdain. Not that he'd ever be in danger of crossing my path, what with me firmly grounded in Texas and him trotting the 'round globe, and all that business about personal and professional ethics, so the whole stalker thing is out. Still, I think he'd be fun to party with and it would be so refreshing to have a conversation with someone with a broad world view who actually had something interesting to say. Sigh.

Other than that, The Girl hosted a Monty Python-Athon the day after Xmas, so the house was descended upon by a dozen or so teenagers bearing Spam and coconut shells. It was fun and since there's a state-wide curfew for teenage drivers, they were all gone by midnight except the one or two girls spending the night.

Last night we went to a New Year's Eve/Suz's Birthday party at her new hubby's best friend's new home. They built it themselves over the last two years and it still isn't quite finished, but they've moved in. Funny, when I have people over I at least make sure to pick up the common areas of the house, run a quick dust cloth over things and clean the bathrooms, but even between cleanings every week my house doesn't get like that. Don't even get me started on the cocktail weenies in storebought barbeque sauce and the uber-sweet Doux sparkling wine thing toast at midnight and the egregious faux pas in the lack of blackeyed peas on the table - at a New Year's party in Texas - harrumph. The fireworks that I imported from Missouri after Grandpa's funeral were the highlight of our evening out. Looks like I'm going to need to visit Grandma sometime before the 4th of July for a refill.

As soon as we got home, we cracked open a bottle of Asti Spumante (not my favorite but I was out of Roederer and Asti is what The Man likes in sparkling varietals) and we each ate a bowl of blackeyed peas with salt jowl that I had put in the slow cooker in the afternoon.

Other than that, now that I've rabidly consumed most of the non-academic books I've accumulated in the last 2 years, I'm plowing into a few more books to help me prepare for my postdoc work:

The Paper Office talks at length about the ethical considerations of marketing, billing, doing business with third-party payers, et cetera, and it includes sample forms so I won't have to re-invent the wheel in creating my own forms when I'm fully licensed to hang out my shingle.

Successful Private Practice in Neuropsychology is pretty much just what the title says. It's a kind of how-to in keeping the practitioner's clinical, teaching and research interests in balance and still paying the bills while alone on the private practice mountaintop. So far a lot of what she says makes me think, "Well, duh..." but there are some good nuggets of wisdom in there from someone who's been there, so I'm not going to dismiss it entirely.

There's also Geriatric Neuropsychology, which I haven't delved into yet. Considering that my area of expertise is geriatric neuropsychological functioning, one wouldn't think that I would need a book like that, but in the interest of keeping myself educated about current methodology and research, that's exactly the kind of book I need. I'm looking forward to digging in this evening.

I don't know anything else right now other than I've got a big ol' pot of New Year's Day blackeyed peas in the slow cooker, a ham in the oven and cornbread with fried taters & onions just begging for me to cook them. I hope everyone has a healthy, happy and wildly prosperous 2008 filled with love, and that all of your fondest dreams are made real. That said, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting back to my books and my comfy leather chair by the fire.

Why I Don't Mind Sitting in the Corner...

A few weeks ago I redecorated my bedroom and posted before & after pictures. There was a little fan back chair that was given to me 20 years ago by a much beloved great aunt in the room that suddenly didn't "go" anymore. So on the day before Thanksgiving, The Girl & I loaded it up into the back of one of The Man's pickup trucks and hauled it to the same upholsterer who re-covered it ten years ago. Interestingly, the guy remembered the chair and was happy to give it yet another new skin. He also told me that I won't find a chair of that quality today, which made me happy because I've always liked that chair, even when I was a little girl. The Girl & I pored over many fabric books and she found this beautiful fabric in ivory with gold scrollies all over it. The upholsterer's assistant delivered the chair Saturday, just in time for the party. We tossed in a little wooden book case from my childhood and the green cashmere throw came from Overstock.com and I got it for a song. If you didn't know better, you wouldn't know that little corner of my world didn't look like that all along.

The First Week of the Rest of My Life, or Funny, You Don't LOOK Like a Doctor

Man, have I been busy! While I was waiting for permissions guy, I remembered that I never did complete "Neuropsychology 101," and thereby complete the neuropsychology concentration certificate program I was taking concurrent with the PhD. The visions in my head showed me, a few years down the road, applying to take the neuropsychology board exams so I can put ABPN behind the PhD and officially be able to call myself a neuropsychologist. The rejection letter read something like this: "Dear Schmuck, We've noticed that you have extensive advanced coursework in neuropsychology in addition to impressive clinical work in practicum, internship, postdoctoral fellowship and specialized clinical training, but you never took Neuro 101. Sorry, but you can't be in our club. Thanks but no thanks, Neurodudes." Considering that boards like that are always looking for reasons to not let people in, I didn't want to take that risk. Besides, I was instrumental in getting the neuropsychology concentration off the ground and was the first president of the neuropsychology student association, so what kind of model was I presenting to those who came after me? Soooo, I asked the much-beloved professor about what to do and he was still willing to allow me to phone in my work. I didn't realize it would take 2 hours, but it's finished. I even got an A.

I got tired of waiting for "permissions guy" (since I was only asking for permission as a professional courtesy as the work is in the public domain), and sent my dissertation to the printer for the final copies. I've done business with these people since The Girl was a baby, back before I had my personal shopping business. When Arlene called to tell me the copies were ready to pick up, I asked her how much I owed, and she told me that she only charged me 7 cents per sheet, as if she had run them on the copier, not on the printing press, using the heavy 25% cotton bond archival quality paper. When I got there, she added the official original signature pages and lovingly shrink-wrapped each copy. She even had a shipping label ready for me. When we taped up the box, she said she had something else she wanted to go over with me so we went inside and she pointed out the shredder - then promptly stuck my invoice into it and refused to allow me to pay because she and her husband are so proud of how far I've come.

(A proud Arlene with the final copies and the UMI forms.)

I went straight to the post office to mail that bad boy off and get it out of my hair fo'evah and couldn't stop smiling while I was in line. Surely I looked like some kind of lunatic, but I didn't care. The clerk asked me how much I wanted to insure it for and I asked her how one places a value on 7 years of your life. It cost $40 to ship via express mail, but it was worth it to know that it would be delivered no later than noon PST Monday December 3, thus marking the officially official final and terminal no shit, for real, honest to GAWD end to my status as a student. I don't know about y'all, but I felt the gravitational pull of the earth shift as the weight of that thing slipped from my shoulders.

Meanwhile, The Man was celebrating his last day in the workforce. His coworkers were having a happy hour for him after work so The Girl and I went to a new restaurant in the town where Suz & I grew up. As soon as I got a taste of that first margarita swirl, I knew she & hubby needed to join us. Then, they made some seriously awesome guacamole at the table and I was hooked. Now that The Girl is fully licensed to drive, I could have two margaritas because I didn't have to worry about driving home.

So Saturday, we traversed to a town about 100 miles away for All-Region Band tryouts - she on the bus, me in my car so I could escape & get lunch. I was recruited to be room monitor for the clarinet room and was thrilled beyond belief that I didn't have to judge flutes this year. I wasn't prepared for the ensuing boredom though. To keep myself entertained, I was making faces, chair dancing, checking email & playing Bejeweled on my iPhone - anything to stay awake. No, the kids couldn't see me - I was sitting behind them. Over in the flute room, it may come as no surprise that The Girl was kicking ass and taking names. She made 5th chair Symphonic band, which means that she gets to advance to All-Area auditions next month. All four girls ahead of her are seniors so look out next year. I am so proud of my Girl. She never ceases to amaze me.

Sunday found me beginning the purging process in my office. I began with the closet from hell, which really looks like an annex of Staples more than anything else. I took everything out

and put it in the middle of the room, which was already pretty crowded.
I've sifted through every piece of paper from 7 years in gradual school, the soap business and every other aspect of my life. In addition to the 3 bins I've already done and the 1 left for me to go, The Man is finally going through all of his mother's papers now that he has time. She was a professional patient so we have boxes of her "sensitive medical information" dating back to 1976 that need to be shredded. It's beginning to sound a lot like Enron around here with all the shredding.

Monday I met with a colleague of mine from school to discuss a business venture that ties her internship, my postdoc and our future private practice all up into one tidy package - with lovely ribbons and bows. More as things develop, but let's just say the prospect is very exciting and that I'll be living one of those, "I made ridiculous amounts money working part time from home doing what I love," infomercials. Later in the day, I found out that the final copies of my dissertation landed at the school about the time we began our meeting. The university officially can't ask me to do Another. Fucking. Thing. Ever.

Tuesday morning found me finishing up the paperwork for the provisional license. I was also doing more sifting and shredding of paper. Tuesday evening we went to The Grandtwins' Xmas pageant at school. The contemporary praise music feel of the thing really didn't do it for me. At. All. The kids were cute though and they were proud of their performance, which was, thankfully, short.

Wednesday Mom & I went furniture shopping - finally. We've only been trying to go since I painted the living room. We When I got home and told The Man what & where I'd found what I want and when we have an appointment to go see the salesperson, he asked, "Do I have to go? Just go get what you want." Which led to a rather heated conversation (on my end) about how it was my understanding that my job was just to go narrow it down to a couple of options then we would decide together and that if I had known he was just going to tell me to get whatever, I could have handled it right then and there instead of having to make 2 trips to a store that's 80 miles away. Needless to say, he will be joining me at 10am tomorrow to select from the finalists.

Yesterday, The Man & I went to the new office of the practice where I served my internship to pick up a little cabinet and the neatest little fold-out table that I used for testing. When it's folded up, it looks like a little cabinet, but it has a secret. It was the perfect table for the micro-space we had in that office. I don't think anyone has dusted either of them since I left, even though it looked as if everyone and their dog were using them. When I tried to slide out the little table though, one of the hinges was bent and the support wouldn't slide out. Pissed me off, but The Man helped me bend it back so that I can slide it out. I'm going to leave it out for awhile & maybe it will stick. If it doesn't I'll just replace the hinge later. Still, what the fuck is wrong with people that they tear stuff up then don't offer to fix or replace what they've damaged?

Today I'll finalize the shredding and sifting in my office, list that Treo on eBay and make some soap. It's nice to have less clutter in my space.

After all that, I have to start preparations for a midwinter party we're having next Saturday. There's plenty of cooking and baking and cleaning and shining of stuff to be done, but I've still not gotten over the feeling that there's no more academic writing to be done. How long does it take for that go to away?

That's all I know right now. Gotta scoot - there's more shredding yet to do.

Love,
Me, Ph.D.

Oasis

Really the best way to describe the old look of the master bedroom was "Quilt Overload." Boooooorrrriiiinnngggg!! When I last painted, The Man informed me that I could paint the house any color I wanted as long as it was white. This, from a man who requires assistance in matching his ties to the rest of his work attire every morning. Once I painted The Girl's bedroom yellow, our bathroom a pale green (mental institution green if I'm being honest), and my home office a deep burgundy three years ago, and he actually liked them, that whole idea of white being the only suitable color for walls has gone out the window. Good thing too, because once I turned 40 I do as I damn well please. That wouldn't fly today - in fact I'd paint it baby shit green just to be oppositional if he tried that now.

Deep in the throes of the internship and the neverending writing project I didn't have time to do much in the way of anything, much less redecorating since my last major undertaking. Since I seem to have nothing but time for the next few weeks, it's on. I finished the master bedroom yesterday, despite having to take one can of paint back to Lowe's so they could put color in the paint. Don't get me started on the stupid little twit at the returns desk. Even The Girl noted the level of stupidity.

Granted, The Man & I almost came to blows over the stupid drapery hardware for which it's necessary to have an advanced engineering degree to put them back together, but we figured it out. I hate drapes anyway. They block my beautiful views of the trees, fields, et cetera. Their days may be numbered as I am seriously considering putting big ol' plantation shutters in there, but we'll see.

The little fan back chair in the corner (given to me 20 years ago by a much beloved late great aunt) will be taken to the upholsterer in the next few days to be re-covered in material closer to that of the bedspread. Interestingly enough, the new stuff will be similar to the upholstery it originally sported back in the 1950's when the chair was made through about ten years ago when I began living here.
I may need to learn to watch TV so I have a reason to just "be" in here.

The Audition

The Girl auditioned for the All-District Band yesterday and made 3rd chair out of about 40 high school girls who tried out. The two girls ahead of her were both seniors and everyone below her until the girl in 9th chair (a freshman who is one of my former students, thankyouverymuch), everyone who made the band was either a junior or a senior. All things considered, The Girl made an excellent showing so she can't really complain. The clinic and concert will be next Saturday, then she can work on improving the music for the All-Region Band tryout December 1. The competition will be stiffer then because now that marching season is over, they actually have time to work on the honor band music. At any rate, she was 7th chair All-Region last year with only seniors and 2 juniors ahead of her - yep, you guessed it - the 2 girls who are ahead of her in All-District this year. Taking that into consideration, we expect her to go to Area this year. We'll see. If she doesn't pass Geometry she will be ineligible to compete, and all the work she's done since January will have been in vain. Send her some positive math energy to pull her through.

Tha mo bhàta-foluaimein loma-làn easgannan

Yeah, so today's title means, "My hovercraft is full of eels," in Gaelic. Following the advice of my blog friend, the fabled ghostie hunter Romulus Crowe, I've decided to make my first trip to Europe a haunted tour of Scotland. Turns out Edinburgh is renowned as the most haunted city in the world. What fun! It will probably happen mid-to-late summer next year, but I'm going. Surprisingly, when I approached The Man about it, he said it sounded like fun, but getting him on the plane and away from his cattle & hay for 10 days may be another story. The Girl, on the other hand, is all over it, but then again she's always up for new experiences. There's still a lot of research for me to do before I land on an itinerary, but once I figure it all out and save a few ducats to pay for it, we're off. Today I even bought 4 travel guides that probably all say pretty much the same thing but that's okay, I'm going to Scotland! Any suggestions or advice is most welcome. Now if I can just find some kind of psychology conference to attend while I'm there so that I can write off part of the trip...

Oh yeah, I got so excited about travel planning that I almost forgot - my dissertation chair approved my last revision to be sent to the proofreader. Woohoo! That means I can start throwing dissertation-related crap (old articles, previous revisions, notes, graphs, statistical output, et cetera ad nauseum) away! The piles of loose paper in my office will be gone and it will look like an office again, not a heap of paperwork with burgundy walls. Life is guuuud.

Night of the Living Stupid People (aka Popcorn Diaries Part Deux)

Okay so yesterday there was this big email discussion going on - without everyone in the loop - that we were going to table the fryer discussion yet again. This was after we had already voted on it unanimously with one abstention, which counts as an "Aye" according to parliamentary procedure. There was a statement made that we were like kids in a candy store and were spending too much money - none of this of course was said to either the concession chair or me, who is just a helper and shows up to do what I'm told which is usually take care of the popcorn and snowcones and be sure to put an article about the band in the newspaper every week. Once I was forwarded this long and asinine email string which I won't include here, and had some time to think, I chimed into the discussion (probably to the dismay of everyone else once they get to work this morning and start checking email) and I told them exactly what I think. I tried to remain calm and just state the facts but here is my reply (let me know if you think I've been too harsh, wouldja?):

M, thank you for including me in the loop. This appears to be a
discussion that should have included everyone from the beginning. Here
are some general observations I've made in the course of all this
nonsense. To preface my statements, I want to make very clear that
secrets, lies and not talking about what everybody knows but is afraid
to say is not helpful to anyone. Please be advised that I am not
writing anything here that I would not be willing to discuss with any
of you face-to-face and welcome your input if I have misperceived
something.

First, let me remind everyone that our purpose in having a band
booster organization is supposed to be about helping our kids. Please
ask yourselves: how is all of this bickering and infighting helping
our kids? Are you so accustomed to fighting that you don't know how
not to bicker and fight, even over things that should be a non-issue?
--Or are you so accustomed to scarcity and lack that you fear every
nickel we bring in is going to be the last one we ever see? Investing
in equipment is just that - an investment that will help us do our job
as a booster club better by allowing us to make more money because
we'll be able to serve our customers better. If we're not feeding the
people, we're not making money. If we don't have adequate and
functioning equipment, we can't feed the people, therefore we can't
make money. It's that simple. It's not rocket science and shouldn't
need my Mensa card or my PhD to understand.

We are making more money in the concession this year than has been
reported in the last 4 years. This is curious to me, considering that
food costs have only gone up, and we're feeding the same old crowd,
but with no appreciable changes in menu pricing. Is all of the
controversy supposed to serve as a smokescreen for something else? I'm
just wondering because everything isn't adding up.

Considering the money we are bringing in, and that we allocated $2000
for a new fryer last year, it would seem that we can afford to spend
more on quality - as we voted and approved - instead of the usual
"WalMart Fall Aparts" that have been purchased - and repurchased - and
repurchased ad nauseum in the past. If you buy quality to begin with,
it costs less in the long run because it isn't necessary to constantly
replace or repair it. Again, it shouldn't take a PhD to understand
that. As much fried food as we sell at every game - well in excess of
the $600 purchase price of the big fryer we voted for and approved
Monday - it will pay for itself in less than one game and be around
for a very long time because it was designed to handle that kind of
volume. When Santa (or the Easter Bunny or whatever imaginary friend
you choose) doesn't come, we'll still have adequate equipment so that
we can feed the people and therefore continue to be able to make money
-uninterrupted and without controversy or additional expense for
several years. If by some miracle the school does come through, we can
sell a nearly new commercial fryer for nearly all of what we have in
it. We'll get nothing back from a nearly new home fryer. I'm not
holding my breath though, considering that they've been promising the
choir similar improvements since that building was constructed and
clearly those improvements haven't happened. The 10, 14 and 15 pound
fryers were presented at the meeting two weeks ago when D and I
initially presented fryer information - the 20 pound just gives us the
most bang for the buck so that's what we voted on - unanimously, with
one abstention, which counts as a Yes, according to parliamentary
procedure. I think the bylaws say that once we've approved something,
we're supposed to follow through. It doesn't make sense to continue to
throw good money after bad, because that doesn't help our kids.

There is no "kid in a candy store" situation here unless you count the
ventahood that was purchased on an "executive decision," without a
vote, sight unseen and without having done any research into what it
was going to take to install it. Boy are we all getting an education
in electrical engineering! The reality of the situation is that things
break down and wear out, and they never wear out alone - they always
take something else down with them. Bad things happen in 3's, right?
Eventually all the bubblegum, baling wire and redneck engineering in
the world isn't going to help and it ends up being more costly - and
dangerous - not to proceed with new equipment and unfortunately it
doesn't come free. My husband had to buy a new tractor, rake, round
and square balers a couple of years ago when they all wore out and had
to be replaced all at once - during the middle of hay season - to the
tune of well over 100K, so I understand that. This appears to be the
year for that to happen for us, although thankfully not on the scale
of our haying equipment. Not to throw gas on the fire, but I forgot to
mention the big metal spring that fell out of the snowcone machine
into some kid's snowcone Friday night (lawsuit, anyone?). I'm not
saying we need a new one. It may have come from one of the bags of
ice, but it's a heads-up so that we are ALL in the loop that it may be
our next casualty. Sorry - stuff breaks - that's life - get over it
and let's move on and get back to the business of feeding the people
and making money so we can help our kids.

My dad and I purchased and delivered the new refrigerator this morning
so Coke should be happy with us now. Thanks for letting us into the concession stand,
C! It even has the wire shelves about which K1 was so
insistent. When I told dad about how much money we are trying to raise
for the uniforms, he offered to approach the VFW membership about
doing some other fundraising activities like a special bingo, a
motorcycle "fun run" and several other activities that typically bring
in at least a couple of grand a pop and wouldn't have to be approved
through the school. However, I am seriously reluctant to accept their
generosity, given the behavior of Mr. B, K1 and K2 over the grant
for the refrigerator. The last thing we want to do is come off as a
bunch of ingrates, and that was the direction Mr. B, K1 and K2
were heading. How sad that they don't possess the social skills to how
to graciously accept a gift. I didn't tell my dad about the asinine
controversy because I would like to be able to approach them for more
help in the future, despite my misgivings. After all, it is supposed
to be about helping our kids and if the adults can't conduct
themselves any better than that, it's not worth the embarrassment.

In the interest of honesty and while I'm airing my views, according to
the bylaws, the band director can ask the boosters for things, but he
has no say in how we spend the funds we generate. Don't get me wrong,
I support Mr. B and I want him to have whatever his little heart
desires, but he is not allowed to dictate how we spend the funds. End
of story. Maybe having K1 as vice president leans toward a conflict
of interest in that area. Mr. B can be a good band director -I've seen
it- but he has a bad temper and takes his personal and professional
frustrations out on the kids - sadly, I've seen that, too - too much
of it. They get tired of being yelled and cussed at over minutiae
while his perfect boys get away with murder and handed the best
solos, et cetera. This is a big part of the reason why we can't keep
kids in band or keep parents involved. Without the kids we have no
band/Without involved parents we can't help our kids.

Our top leadership doesn't appear to know how to lead, only how to
boss and bicker. People don't like to work with K2 because she
doesn't know when to stop talking, doesn't appear to have an inside
voice or room in her world view for an opinion other than her own. Not
to be mean but in fact, when people are called to volunteer in the
concession stand, often the first thing they ask is if K1 and/or
K2 are going to be there and they won't come if they know either of
them are going to be there because they don't like being yelled at or
having their cases climbed over something minor. That's not how you
treat volunteers, but they've made it pretty clear that they don't
think officers should work it anyway - personally, I don't think any
of us are too good.

K1 is another story entirely. People don't like to work with her
because of her hot temper and negative attitude. You never know when
she's going to verbally attack someone - or worse, show up at your
house raising cain and further traumatizing your daughter who was
already sexually harassed by at least one of her sons. In my personal
and professional experience, if a person has problems with everyone
with whom they come in contact, chances are really good that the
problem does not lie with everyone else. It is sad that it had to come
down to K1 getting chewed on the other night. Perhaps she should
have spoken up during the meeting instead of sitting there red-faced
and stewing then waiting until the people she was talking about behind
their backs were gone. Considering that K1 has no absolutely no
qualms about jumping in the middle of anyone she perceives as crossing
her path, perhaps it's time she learns to take a dose of what she
dishes out, because that type of behavior does not help our kids.

Frankly, I am disgusted and embarrassed that grown people are acting
this way when we're supposed to be about helping the kids. I've
considered leaving the organization because of the stupid circular
arguments, walking on eggshells and the groupthink tendency to want to
do things half-assed, but someone has to be the voice of reason and
keep our mission of helping our kids in mind. This ridiculousness has
gone on long enough. Let's move on and get back down to the business
of helping our kids.

Concession Stand Confessional (aka the Popcorn Diaries)

The level of people's stupidity never ceases to amaze me. I am the publicity officer for the Band Boosters for The Girl's high school band, so every Monday night through football season I have to attend these asinine meetings with four sensible people and two gap-toothed, baboon-assed, booger-eating morons. Unfortunately the Two are the president and vice president of the group and they appear more interested in bickering, bitching, fighting and hindering the work of the group than anything else. The president is just a twit and the vice president is the band director's wife - which is a conflict of interest since the band director is not allowed a vote - although the Two do try to push his agenda. The Two are disliked by the greater membership and there have been a number of people who have stated outright that they will not work with them because a) they are bossers, not leaders and 2) all they want to do is bitch and fight. I think it's because they're so used to bitching and fighting over every little thing that they don't know how to not, but what do I know?

At any rate, our most important fundraiser for our band kids is the home-side concession stand at football games. This year, we switched sides when the stadium renovation was complete and the home side was moved to the South side of the stadium. The new concession is newer and a little bigger but I can't honestly say it's any better. The electrical system wasn't exactly installed "to code" or by "licensed electricians," but it is what it is and after some fiddling about with what equipment can be plugged in where, and what combinations of things can't be plugged in together without tripping breakers, things finally ran smoothly at Friday night's game (of which I was in charge because our concession chair was out of town).

We've had issues for a few years now with equipment. The band director seems to think that with enough bubblegum, baling wire and "redneck engineering," that things should last forever. The Man and I are usually in charge of running the popcorn and snowcone machines. People in Fundietonfieldvilleview absofuckinglutely love popcorn and snowcones and since they're such high profit items, we take in loads of money that's almost pure profit. So much so that realistically we can't afford not to sell these two items. The popcorn machine started giving us problems from the first game this season. The screw that held the kettle dump handle in place stripped out so we couldn't dump corn into the cabinet and although the kettle got hot, it took forever to heat up and pop a batch of corn. The Man was trying to dump the corn by using pot holders but was burning himself. Before the following game, the band director "fixed" it but he fixed it incorrectly and it finally gave out during the first quarter of our homecoming game. My husband informed the concession chair that if that machine was still sitting there the next time he came to help, he would turn around and go back home.



Interestingly, as I was searching for a new machine for the concession stand, I ran across one of those really cool antique looking ones on a cart for $500 on Craigslist. It was only about a 2 & 1/2 hour drive away so The Man had me go down and get it the same day I was to go to ACE Mart for the new one for the concession stand (an hour the other direction). I need to find a better place to put it than the game room but I guess it's okay right there as long as no one's trying to play pool.
So anyway, with the band director insisting that the old machine was fine (which it's not, but then again he doesn't use it so he really doesn't know - he just likes to bitch and fight because apparently that's all they know how to do), I put together a presentation for the next meeting about popcorn, the popcorn machine, how much we sell, and how much we lose when we don't sell it. I left them wiggle room and when it was put to a vote, everyone voted yes except one abstention - you got it, one of the Two. So I trotted down to ACE Mart restaurant supply to buy a shiny new popcorn maker. As The Girl and I were carrying it in from my truck, I backed into some weight equipment in the field house and fell, with the popcorn machine falling on top of me. Fortunately it wasn't damaged, which is good because I ended up having to take it back because we didn't have the correct electrical outlet for plugging in the machine. Soooo I went back to ACE Mart and got a smaller one that used a regular grounded plug. The cool part though is that it heated up in no time and was popping corn immediately and so far we have not had any problems keeping up with demand. -Oh and it hasn't tripped any breakers. Can't forget that.

This is what my arm looks like when a popcorn machine falls on it.
This is what my ass looks like when I fall over weight machines in the field house with a popcorn machine on top of me. There were other bruises too but these were the worst.

The next equipment issue is the refrigerator. We don't have one. Instead, we have removed the bottom couple of racks from the 7-foot tall coolers provided to us by Coca Cola via the contract with the school. One of the stipulations of that contract is that non Coca Cola product is not to be kept in them -ever. That doesn't just mean no competitor's products, that also extends to non-competitor products such as ranch dressing, lettuce, cheese, or anything else not specifically produced and marketed by the Coca Cola company. However for at least the last 11 years, that's exactly where they've kept the ranch dressing, lettuce, cheese and everything else that would normally be kept in a refrigerator. Last week our Coke rep came by to meet with the concession chair to check on things, not only how well she was servicing us but how well we were complying with the contract. The band director and the Two were incensed about this visit, "What was she doing down there!?" Well, it's her fucking job and she also visited every other installation of these coolers, including the choir concession and the regular vending machines throughout the school district. She informed us that we should be thankful that her boss didn't see all that stuff in the bottom of both of our coolers because he'd yank those coolers out of there in a heartbeat. Where would we be then?

So I called a few people to ask them to keep their ears to the ground for a good refrigerator that we could pick up cheap. The next day, my dad called me back and said that he was unable to get us a refrigerator. Of course I thanked him for trying and told him I appreciated his effort et cetera. Then he informed me that instead he got us a $350 grant from the local VFW post for a new refrigerator. You'd think these thundercunts (thanks, Jess!) would be excited about such a generous windfall, but NOOOOOO! The band director informed us that we didn't need a refrigerator but we do need a freezer and that's where he wanted to spend the money. (Nevermind that we just bought a brand new freezer last year that works great, it's just a little small in that it can only hold enough product for one game at a time, not for the entire season.) Besides, there's a behemoth of a cabinet-looking thing that used to be a refrigerator in the storage room (where there's no electrical outlet) that belongs to the sports boosters that he wants to pay to try to get fixed and use the grant money to buy a freezer. So the discussion was tabled at last week's meeting. O_o

Uh - reality check, please? First of all, the nature of grants is that grant money must be used for the purpose for which it has been earmarked. Period. Second, in our local VFW (of which I'm a 3rd generation life member of the Ladies Auxiliary, so I know how they operate), an initial grant to anyone is never more than about $150-200, but since The Girl is my dad's only granddaughter and it was benefitting her band, dad got it approved.

What I couldn't seem to help them understand was that if we handle this well, then we are guaranteed more -and bigger- grants in the future. If we handle it really really well, they may host a benefit for us like a casino night or auction or something that couldn't be done through the school (When my high school band wanted to go to Disney, they raised over $10,000 for us - and that was over 20 years ago). On the other hand, if we handle this badly, as the band director and the Two are trying to do, we not only lose this grant but any potential future grants - not only from the VFW, but any other charitable organization. Most of these guys are members of more than one similar group. My dad is a member of the VFW, American Legion, Moose, Elks, and Masons - and he's just one guy. Not only that but these old guys are bigger gossips than the wimmin, so handling the grant badly will definitely get us blacklisted and possibly even sued for misappropriation. Yet the Two want to argue over something that isn't costing us anything because that's what they like to do - bitch and fight. I pointed these issues out to them last night despite numerous attempted interruptions by the Two and after a vote (can you believe it? A vote over a freebie??) I'll be going to pick up the new refrigerator this week and I'll be sure to give dad and the guys at the VFW some extra love in the newspaper. After all, it's to help the kids - isn't it?

Hopefully the last equipment issue is the fryer. We've been using these stupid home countertop fryers for french fries, cheese sticks, corny dogs and now fried pickles as long as anyone can remember and have spent anywhere from $150 to $300 every year of the four since I've been active in band boosters and probably every year for eons before that replacing them, because they just weren't designed to handle the load we put on them. We are down from four fryers to one fryer owned by band boosters, and one owned by one of the Two. My personal fryer is also at the concession as a backup but we're not going to be able to continue to work with these much longer. If we're not feeding people, we're not making money and our job in the concession stand is to make money. Isn't it? Sometimes I get confused.

Last year we discussed purchasing a heavy duty restaurant style tabletop fryer, but the school can no longer serve fried foods so they donated a big ol' commercial fryer to us. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's been more trouble than it's worth. First, when it was deposited in the concession, it was filthygrossnassssty. We've done all we can to clean it up, but it's still dripping grease on the floor and the bottom reservoir has been soaking in industrial degreaser for 2 months and still won't come clean. Then we found out that we need a commercial vent a hood to run it. Somehow an "executive decision" was made (probably by the Two and the band director in his office without consulting any of the other officers) to purchase a used one for $800. It is still sitting on the ground outside the concession. My stepdad is a federally licensed electrician and he agreed to come give us an estimate to install it. He couldn't touch it for under $4700 because of the labor and parts involved. We'd still need to hire a plumber licensed with the Railroad Commission to come in and install the fryer itself, incurring yet more expense in parts and labor. On top of that, there would be no guarantee that the vent a hood would even work because it was purchased used and sight unseen and has been sitting outside in the weather for six weeks. With the exception of the Two, the officers wanted to list it on Craigslist, ebay or whatever and sell the behemoth for which we never voted (and the bigass fryer we cant' use if the superintendent will allow us to since it was given to us) and purchase an industrial tabletop fryer for $600. The Two still wanted to try to get the school district to pay that 5 grand or more, thus further delaying our ability to feed the masses. The vote was taken and we'll be buying a new fryer this week too. If we're not feeding people we're not making money. If we're going to feed people to make money it is essential that we have equipment that is functioning properly - or am I missing something?

Here's the thing though. This is my 5th year working in the concession stand and my second year to work every home game. Ever since I started, the reported take for a home game was always around $400 - $700 for a big game like homecoming. Madame president was concession chair for all but last year but the reported take was the same. This year we have a different concession chair and a different treasurer. Food costs have gone up, Fundietonfieldvilleview hasn't grown appreciably and concession traffic seems about the same. So why is it that we're bringing in anywhere from $1200 on a very slow night and $3500 for homecoming? Friday night's game we cleared $2598 and we sold nothing during the 4th quarter when our team started losing. I think the Two and possibly the band director are so protective of the money we earn because they think it's theirs - because maybe they have been putting it in their own pockets? Or maybe they act like every dime that comes in will be the last one because their worldview is one of scarcity. Maybe I'm confused again, and I hate to accuse people of wrongdoing without proof, but something doesn't look right.

Then, just when I thought everything was in the clear, some kind of big metal spring fell out of the snowcone machine into some little kid's snowcone. The guy running the machine fished it out but I guess that will be our next purchase. I wonder how hard we'll have to fight over that one. At least those are only about $700. It's only money - we'll make more, right?

Just When I Thought It Was Safe

Okay, so (Queso? I love queso!) yesterday I needed to go the cleaners, 20 miles away, and while The Girl & I were out I took her out to eat lunch at Logan's since it will be the last time she has an opportunity to go out to lunch for quite awhile, as school starts Monday. We dropped by a craft store to pick up some gold leaf flakes for a soap I'm making this morning to draw abundance & prosperity when I got an email from my dissertation chair. She wanted to know where my final revisions are, since it's been over a month & all. Gaaaah! I told her that even though the rain has stopped and realistically I'm no longer celebrating, we've had a steady parade of people through here but I'll get it to her with lipstick next week. Gaah...

On a more interesting note, check out the new ebay widget that shows off my soapy lovelies!

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

This is going to be a long post. We've got about 10 days' worth of adventure to cover so go ahead & visit that little room before you get started.
Friday, June 13, 2007

6:30 am. The Girl & I were packed up for our 9-day adventure and about to roll out the door when the phone rang. It was one of my band booster friends (one of about 2 that I can actually tolerate for any length of time) calling to tell me she & her husband had bought me a nice bottle of wine and she wanted to bring it to me so that we could have it on my graduation day. Of course we all know how much I hate presents - especially wine - so we hung out a couple of extra minutes to visit with her before safely tucking the wine in my suitcase. Little did I know that was to be the theme of the week.

We got to Mom's and got her stuff loaded but with an oxygen tank in the back seat, we really didn't have room for the cooler. We decided that it was okay though. We could always stop for drinks & munchies if we wanted to. The weather was beautiful, we had toonz and each other and we were not on a schedule. So we stopped at Sonic for breakfast before we even left the county ;o)

Later in the day, The Man called and said something like, "I know The Girl is in the car, so just answer yes or no." Then he proceeded to tell me about how our son in law thought he had found a car for her but he didn't want to get her hopes up in case it didn't pan out. The problem was that he wasn't giving me yes or no questions so I was having to tell him what I needed to tell him without giving it away. We decided that if it did turn out to be a good deal, we'd get it. He was even going to pay for half. (Okay, say AWWWW...) He called later to tell me our son in law, a Ford master technician, had checked it out and would have bought it for the grandtwins, so he was going to go ahead with it. More on that later.

Sooo, we finally made it to my great aunt's house. We attempted to follow her directions and ended up being taken 60 miles out of the way. There are basically 4 exits along the entire Kansas turnpike - the motto of which is "Welcome to Kansas - Just keep moving, then get the fuck out." If you miss your exit, that's just too gawddamn bad - you have to drive at least 30 miles to the next one, pay to exit, collect a new ticket then pay to exit at your real destination if you can find it. I knew better than to listen to the directions of a 75-year-old who rarely leaves her hometown. Thankfully I have a wonderful sense of direction and excellent map reading skills. We got there and had a great time hanging out with my cousin, great aunt and the 13 year old grandson she's raising. The kid is a very talented guitarist but can't play guitar hero to save his life. The Girl had fun with that. Oh yeah...and that wine? Didn't make it through the evening. It's okay though, you'll see that there's plenty more where that came from.

Oh yeah, the picture is from Pome on the Range, a big orchard where we pulled over & bought what else but apple wine!

Saturday, July 14

We traversed to Mom's best friend's place just outside the suburbs of KC. Of course, since I have been described as "a tailgate party waitin' to happen," if I'm around, the tequila must flow, right? They had this big ol' margarita machine that was like an oversized blender. You pour the tequila & margarita goodie over about a 5 pound bag of ice and turn it on then 10 minutes later you have (sort of) restaurant style margaritas. I thought a good blender would have been more efficient but the machine was cute and fun. We went to a Macaroni Grill with her very patient husband and 85-year-old mom and just about took over the place.

The picture is a sculpture we made from straws, a crayon and a stub of their lovely rosemary foccaccia bread that bears a strange resemblance to something that's bound to be obscene. We scared the shit out of the waiter, but then again we live for socially inappropriate behavior.

Sunday, June 15

We left Missouri to head back over the river to the KC, KS suburb where Grandma & Grandpa live. No sooner did we get there than Grandma wanted us to sit down and eat. Nevermind we had just stopped at Sonic for lunch less than an hour before. The aunts & uncles who were there to see us didn't eat so it was kind of weird but we didn't want to hurt Grandma's feelings so shove more down we did. These grandparents are Mom's ex-inlaws but with 40 years of water under the bridge, they all got along and had a lovely visit until my aunt & stressball uncle arrived from St. Jo to pick mom up. Later we drove around the nicer neighborhoods of KC looking at the fountains (BTW, it's legal to play in them in KC - which is reason enough to go there!) all of the old mansions and we went to the hotel where Mom, The Girl & I would be spending the rest of the week so we'd know how to get there and I could show them where to meet us Thursday night for my dissertation defense. I made sure to make up a playlist on my iPod just for Grandpa that included Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra et al. He loved it.

Grandpa had a head injury a couple of years ago and has some dementia as well, so it was interesting for me as a neuronerd to spend time with him. He naps a lot during the day but doesn't realize that's the reason why he can't sleep through the night, despite everyone telling him that's what's going on. Since I'm kind of an expert in the area of old folks, I told him the same thing everyone else has told him and even though he isn't going to change a damn thing because he's a stubborn old Italian, at least he heard what I said and accepted it as having some grain of truth. Maybe it wasn't my expert status but my good bedside manner and gentle handling of him that did the trick. Then again, being the favorite granddaughter doesn't hurt either.

Monday, July 16

Grandpa was damn determined that we were going to have Egg McMuffin from his local McDonald's for breakfast. I didn't bother to tell him I haven't done business with McDonalds or WalMart in years. He's old and he likes it so I graciously sucked it up for one day and pretended that was the loveliest fake cheese I'd ever consumed in my life. Gaaah.

We made up for it at lunch though. After Grandpa's morning nap, we toddled down the road to Quick's Bar-B-Q down on Merriam Lane. Everyone has their favorite KC BBQ, but there's a certain nostalgia there for me because I was raised on the sauce, which we had to import to Texas through various family members when they came to visit. Nothing like a big ol' plate of Quick's ribs and a coldbeer. Aaaaaahhh... I made sure to get a case of sauce while I was there, since I'm down to 3 bottles left from the trip Mom & I made there last summer.

The Girl & I made our way to the hotel and got checked in & settled. The Girl was asking about what to do next and where would we meet up with my friends from school when the seminars let out. She was excited to meet them but had some concern about whether we should try to call them or not and how would they know where to meet us. I told her not to worry - we'd grab a drink (mmmmerlot for me, cherry coke with extra cherries for her), grab a couple of tables in the lobby and relax a minute. I have a tendency to draw a crowd. She didn't believe it until people started drifting downstairs and before long we had about 15 people there gushing at her about how wonderful her mom is. Then MY Mom showed up and the gushing really began. Somebody could have gotten the bighead over all that adulation.

My friend J, who started the program at the same time I did, and who moved to Texas from Indiana because she couldn't get a practicum site anywhere in her state (Imagine! Turning down free help!), had planned to take me to dinner that night so we ate in one of the hotel restaurants. Mom, The Girl, and one of my neuronerd friends tagged along. Again, we kept ourselves amused by exhibiting socially questionable behavior. After dinner we went to the bar, and ran into even more of my friends. Let's just say I couldn't move without someone buying me a drink. Then the VFW Junior Vice Commanders from all 50 states & Puerto Rico showed up. Mom & I are both life members of the Ladies' Auxiliary. Those guys live to carouse, so from what I remember, we were in good company. We closed down the bar and poured ourselves into our Heavenly Beds. The beds at the Westin are out of this world.

Tuesday, July 17

I did nooooot want to get up. While I wasn't sick, I had a bit of a headache and just wanted to sleep. What I needed to do, however, was finish my Keynote Presentation for my dissertation defense, which was to take place in 2 more days. There's a mall attached to the Crown Center complex, so Mom & The Girl explored there while I slept and half-assed worked on my presentation. By the time they got there around 2, it was definitely time for me to eat, so we went to a burger place in the mall called Fritz's that serves the food via an interesting model train and hydraulics system. It was definitely a kid restaurant but fun, the food was pretty good and we enjoyed it. Then I went back to the room and worked on that presentation some more. Oh joy.

Later there was a welcome reception for everyone. More friends - more wine...(see, I told you there was a theme...) and a balloon/Heineken bottle sculpture, as pictured above. By this time, The Girl is starting to figure out that grad school may not be so bad after all. Mom, The Girl, my program advisor, another student & I then went to a lovely Japanese restaurant and proceeded to order one of just about everything. We loved the food, but the company was better.

Wednesday, July 18

First things first, I've been on the committee for a student-led scholarship auction for the last 5 years, so I held my last hurrah. Mom bought me an anatomically-correct caveman with interchangeable "clothing" and a Sigmund Freud action figure. He was hawked as "Therapy so easy a caveman can do it."

I had previously scheduled a lunch with my program advisor, but don't get to see her often so even though we'd had dinner the night before, we took her to Fritz's for the train-delivered burger. Her favorite part was the chocolate shake. Once we got back to the hotel, we ran into my chair and she wanted to go over the edits she wants to see in the next week or so. It's simple stuff, just expanding and explaining some areas a little better. No big deal.

Since The Man was going to join us around 7, around 3 I checked he & me into the adjoining room & so sis could take my bed when she got there.

One of the students I mentored when she entered the program had scheduled a dinner in my honor at Pierpont's restaurant (and ginormous wall o' booze) in the historic Union Station building at 8:30. The Man arrived at the hotel at 8:20 and the restaurant was going to stop serving at 9 so we had to book it across the skywalk to get there in time. There were about 20 people there, all gushing about how I had helped them or inspired them in some way during their time with me in school. By this time Mom & The Girl were getting used to it, but this was The Man's first exposure to people in my program en masse. so I think it was a little overwhelming for him, but he seemed pleased.

The day before we left, The Girl spent 6 & 1/2 hours raking grass which was almost long enough to bale, and hauling it to the back of the hayfield. The Man didn't pay her for it, as he would normally, but she didn't complain. While we were at Mom's best friend's house, I printed off the pictures he had emailed me of the car and stashed the paper in my purse. I gave it to him at the restaurant. He leaned over to her, handed her the paper and said, "Do you think this will do as payment for all that work you've done around the house this summer?" You should have seen her face. Of course everybody had to give him shit, "What? Dr.S is graduating but The Girl gets a new car?"

After the dinner, we waited in the lobby for my sister to arrive around midnight from Walla Walla with - you guessed it - more wine. A case of reallllly good stuff plus 4 more bottles in her suitcase, to be exact. Hate that. Sucks to be me.

Thursday, July 19

I don't know what the hell everybody else did all day, but I finished that fucking presentation, then felt nauseous until it was over. Okay, we had lunch at Milano, which is an excellent Italian place, and I don't usually eat Italian out because people fuck it up so badly. I don't eat most things at Macaroni Grill and won't even darken the door of an Olive Garden. Other than that though, it was all about polishing that Keynote presentation for me.

My other sister and her little boy came to the hotel and a cousin thankfully came to pick him up so he wouldn't have to be bored and get in trouble for trying to entertain himself during my talk. My dad, his new wife and my brother (who left his little boy at an uncle's house) came in from about 15 miles from my home. My father and his scary woman were also there. So there's mom, her ex in-laws and her first 2 husbands and their wives and all but one of my siblings, who had to go fight terrorism somewhere, all getting along like peas and carrots. It was weird. Good, but weird. Five minutes into my talk, I notice two of my very dearest neuronerd friends sitting there wiping tears from their eyes! I hadn't settled into my groove yet so it was necessary for me to stop and tell them to stop immediately or I would have to join them in their bawlfest and then we might never get out of there.

Once I finished the presentation, my associate dean led the questioning by asking me, aside from the results I got on my research, what was the thing I was most pleased about. I told her that I was just happy I didn't projectile vomit on her and the other members of my committee. I think the only thing that saved me was that I had the hotel bring in a long, skirted table under the guise of setting up my computer on it, but in reality I just wanted to be able to take off my shoes since it's murder to stand in heels for over an hour. My chair was pleased with my work and informed me that she had never seen a dissertation talk so well put together. Much beloved second faculty reader was very happy with the way I discussed the many shortcomings of the Folstein Mini Mental Status Exam (unfortunately the most often used "tool" discussed in geriatric research) for diagnosing dementia. He also told me that he had never seen a dissertation presentation so well attended. The room was set up with 40 chairs. They were all full.

Sometime early on in my talk, I noticed that Grandpa left and never came back. My aunt said to me after it was over that before he left he leaned over to her and whispered, "I gotta pee. This is the longest damned wedding I've ever seen." He then waited in the hotel lobby until it was over.

Afterwards, we all adjourned to a friend suite for a lovely wine (duh) and cheese reception. We got around the weird ass KC liquor laws by serving in a suite, where you can serve whatever you want, instead of the room where the defense was held, like the hotel wanted us to do. It was big fun, and after not having the guts to eat dinner, that was the bestest gawddamn cheese I ever ate. The wine though was outstanding. I'm so glad I didn't pay the hotel $45 a bottle for the K-J. My sister & I stayed up until 3:30 talking and solving all the problems of the world.

The picture here is of my last slide...the text and Devo's "Working in a Coal Mine" came in first, and each tool element came up at .1 second intervals in time with the opening strains of the song. It was cool.

Friday, July 20
With the dissertation defense out of the way, I could really relax. The Girl went with my sisters and our father to Worlds of Fun, which The Girl describes as kind of like Six Flags but lamer. Mom & I took The Man to Quick's then went back to the hotel for a nap, then we went to see Harry Potter. Yes, we're all fans - Mom even bought the book the day it came out.

Suz & her new husband and daughter came in right before the movie was over. My sisters went to our aunt's house to spend the night so the remaining 7 of us went to my favorite restaurant, Morton's, for dinner. The Man & I had our first "date" at the one in Nashville many moons ago and try to go to them if we're in a town that has one. We go to the one in Dallas sometimes too, but of all of them it tends to be the noisiest. Of course with the Social Skills family, none of whom had ever been to a restaurant much nicer than an Applebee's, in tow, the one in KC was probably a bit noisier than usual this time. They brought me a little bottle of champagne. It was cute. The best part of the meal though was the chocolate truffle cake and Douwe Egberts coffee. I have wet dreams about that stuff.

My camera takes pretty crappy pictures so I'm waiting for people to email them to me, although I don't think any were taken here.

Saturday, July 21, Graduation Day!
First thing was a champagne brunch for the graduates. The menu was visually appealing, kind of a higher-end version of Grandpa's egg McMuffin, but with a poached egg jiggling about on top of each side of the English muffin. Ewwwww - runny egg goo gives me the huzz, so I just ate the Canadian bacon, grilled asparagus & tomatoes and had an extra glass of champagne. The whole point of the brunch though was for the office of development to hit us up for alumni donations. Fuck that shit. Let me at least pay off my student loans. Jeez.

The Man & I walked around the mall for awhile and I remembered that it was the 7th anniversary of when our neice was killed in a helicopter crash while on vacation in Hawaii. She would have been 22 this December. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him if he had talked to his brother yet that day. We had some frozen custard while we watched the kids play in the fountains outside then went back to the room so he could talk to his brother. It was sad but in a way I think a necessary part of what he needed to do that day. They usually spend the weekends hanging out together doing cow & hay stuff so it was probably harder for them this year since they couldn't be around to distract one another from the gravity of the day. I decided around 4:30 to grab some dinner since it would be the only chance I'd have once the festivities got underway. The Man wasn't hungry because he was busy reliving his grief so I gave him some space and went anyway. Not to worry - I wasn't alone. My sisters & nephew, The Girl, & Suz's family tagged along.

I had to be downstairs at 6 for robing. Although I had the option of spending a mere $25 for the rental gown instead of the nearly grand I did for custom gear, I am so happy I bought my shit. The rental gowns looked as if they had been used for pajamas and they smelled like dirty feet. I looked sharp as hell in my black robe with the PhD blue velvet and matching blue velvet tam. I was the only one who didn't go for the rental robes but gawddammit I earned that PhD blue velvet so I wore it proudly even though I stuck out - no - make that stood out, in my typical grand style. I'll post pictures when I get them.

In the 10 minutes between the group photo and time to line up, the outgoing student body president & I decided we had just enough time to saunter down to the bar to do a shot. In our robes. Hell yeah. The bartender gave us "doctoral size" Lemon Drops that were about twice the amount typically served. My brother happened to be in the bar (big surprise) and even picked up our tab (even bigger surprise) as we slammed our glasses down on the bar to head back upstairs to do our thing. It really hit the spot, but I was wishing for some ice water or something after sitting on that stage for the next 2 hours.

We had an unusually large class of 15 this time but the Awfully Persnickety Association really wants PhDs to be finished in under 10 years, so the school is pushing those with longer tenures to get the hell out. Whether they graduate or quit is up to them. At our graduations, each graduate speaks - theoretically for 2-3 minutes, but these folks maundered ON and ON and ON and they were boring and sad and I kept thinking, "Isn't this supposed to be a celebration? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Stupid shrinks," et cetera. My last name is wayyyyyy down the alphabet so I had the honor of going last - and I felt a pressing responsibility to bring up the mood of the room (over half of which was there just to see me walk). Soooo, again in my usual grand style, I basically performed a 3-minute comedy routine. My antics (which included donning a big, fat sparkly tiara with my tam) had everyone laughing and smiling and ready for the wonderful party in the ballroom next door. If you're interested, I'll post it in a day or two.

The party afterwards was lovely, with a DJ, dancing, open bar, and the most beautiful dessert table you can imagine. We weren't finished celebrating after it was over at midnight, and we still weren't finished celebrating after we closed down the bar at 1am. The Man went upstairs but Mom, the Sisters & I hung out in the lobby with many friends until beyond the wee hours. My friend with the suite brought out a tray of homemade lasagne and more wine and we begged wine glasses from room service and found a corkscrew and someone else got a couple of bottles of champagne from room service.

When Sister #2 was leaving to go to the airport at 4:30, Mom, Sister #3 & I went upstairs (I'm the oldest, so I would be Sister #1). I knew The Man wanted to leave at 7am, so instead of going bed, I just showered and packed so we'd be ready to go when he was. I knew he'd want to drive so I planned to sleep on the way. It was the least I could do since he'd pretty much gone along with whatever I wanted to do since he'd been there.

Sunday, July 22

Once I navigated The Man out of KC, which, BTW, is the single most underrated city in the United States, I went to sleep and didn't wake up until we were in Emporia, about an hour & 1/2 away. Apparently The Man travels differently than we do. He likes to stop at McDonald's. I was already over my 10-year allotment of their food and was a little tired so I didn't have the energy to complain. I navigated him back onto the turnpike and didn't wake up again until it was time to get off of it and back onto I-35. Went back to sleep until Oklahoma City, where we stopped at - you guessed it - McDonald's again, then drifted in & out for the rest of the drive until we picked up his demo at the place where he works.

Honestly, I was a little worried that I might not be able to stay awake long enough to get Mom, The Girl & me back home but we made it just fine. When The Girl & I got here, her car was parked in the garage, all shiny & red. She thought she wanted a black Mustang but after driving this one she thinks she'll like it better because it's higher up where she can see better, and like me she's so incredibly tall.

Our delight was tempered when we got in the house though. Friday night while we were gone, our much beloved 11-year-old Labrador Retriever, Boomer, had been run over and killed by a car. The Man called our son in law to help him retrieve the dog from the ditch & bury him at the back of the hayfield with our other pets who've crossed over the Rainbow Bridge to wait for us. I miss that dog and can barely look at the pool without expecting to see him in it. My little red dog Sam is just whining and grieving over him.

So there you have it sports fans. The full report. I'll post pics as I get them in.

Brisket & Blues Hangover

As usual we had a grand 4th of July celebration. It's been an unusually wet summer so we were concerned but had a contingency plan in case it rained, but we were blessed with the first really pretty day we've had in awhile.

We're known for our hospitality around here so folks came from all over to eat, drink & be merry. The picture is of my husband's smoker. See, I won't let him use my kitchen or my grill, because he thinks the only setting is "high," so he burns everything, but the smoker is all his. He cooks about 2-4 times a year and meat is all he does. Ohhhhh but he makes the best goddamn pecan-smoked brisket you'll ever put in your mouth so those other 361 non-cooking days are forgiven.

The Man makes the brisket & sausage but I make everything else (yes, from scratch, silly): my world-famous potato salad, pasta salad and baked beans plus a melon/berry compote and homemade salsa & dips for the snacky stuff - 'cuz if you've got a bunch of people drinking, you'd better give 'em plenty to eat or you'll end up with a bunch of drunk people before dinner is even served. The badass blues band started around 7-ish and played until midnight and our fireworks show went on for a good couple of hours. A good time was had by all.

We had some interesting tales from this party, including the drunk chick who passed out and pissed in someone else's lawn chair right after the band started playing - and all the fucking parents who weren't paying attention to their little children, who naturally were attracted to the pool, especially after dark when we turned the light on. I'd take their wee little hands and tell them to take me to mommy or daddy, then when we got there I'd admonish them for not watching their kids. Of course they didn't like me much when I did that but I don't give a fat shit. The last thing we need is a lawsuit - or a dead baby - on our hands.

Even though we have so much fun, the worst part is always the cleanup. The Man bought one of those RTV things which is really just a golf cart on steroids (the dump bed is really cool), so The Girl & I loaded that up & drove the 12 very large bags of trash & fireworks debris up to the road for trash day today so I didn't have to get leaky shit in the back of my Tahoe. Then there was the problem of margarita sticky everywhere. You'd think adults wouldn't sling their shit everywhere but that seems to be part of the deal when you invite 100 people over and ply them with alcohol. The most fun part of the cleanup is trying to figure out how people ended up leaving random articles of clothing all over the yard and making up stories of the circumstances surrounding how they might have gotten there.

Now if I can just figure out what the hell happened to my garbage disposal...O_o

I still have a bunch of polishing yet to do on my dissertation, and now that these 3 parties are out of the way I can actually get something done. Chances are good that I won't be around for a couple of days. Oh shit, only 2 weeks left until my defense...

Work Your Fingers to the Bone - Whadda You Git? Bony Fingers!

Not to worry, I haven't forgotten about y'all. Party #2, my best friend's wedding, will be held here Saturday and we're all working our collective tuchis-es off to get the place presentable for such a fete. The cool part is that it's mostly the stuff we usually do to get ready for our legendary annual 4th of July bash and it's really nice to have help. Suz, her beloved and her kids have been here every evening after work to mow, edge, weed-eat, wash windows, clean the fans that I'm too short to get to and generally put a spit-shine on the place. Between that, teaching and the endless errands that have to be taken care of in order to host back-to-back events with over 100 attendees each, I have barely had time to find my own ass - with both hands - much less natter on about anything. You should see the place though...it looks like a goddamn country club.

In other news, I had a long talk with my chair last week and she expects me to fluff up the discussion section of my dissertation by about 15 pages. I knew the discussion section was -ahem- a little light but I've found that just throwing it up against the wall to see if it sticks and letting them tell me what they really want has facilitated my progress better than anything else I've done. I'll be able to get to that after the wedding and in plenty of time for my defense but I'm still not that thrilled about having to do it. It's nice though to have specific suggestions for improvement.

My signet ring and academic regalia arrived Friday. The ring is nice but I was really jazzed about the cap, gown & hood because it makes the whole thing seem more real. However, they put the slit for clothing access on the right side of the gown, despite the fact that I custom-ordered it with the slit on the left - given that I'm a natural born lefty and all. I'm going to go ahead and wear it to my graduation but as soon as I get back home, it's going back to the company so they can fix it since I will need it for future academic events. The Girl asked me why I just didn't live with it. Naturally a right handed person would ask such a question, but I stand by my decision for them to fix it because: A) I am left-handed - (no, really!) and 2) I paid a $hitload of money to get academic regalia that was custom-made to my exact specifications. In addition to the monogrammed initials, those specifications included a left-hand slit - and it was on the paperwork in about 27 different places, with asterisks and all caps and everything so the people who sew it together would be made aware of it. Still didn't happen. Sigh. I really shouldn't complain about it because the customer service rep I spoke with on the phone is also a lefty, so she "got it," and I received the prepaid UPS tag today.

Okay, that's all I know right now. After I finish the last-minute stuff tomorrow, Suz & I are going to lounge poolside with many cold beers on ice with salt, we will be parked between the margarita machine and the kick ass blues band Saturday, and nursing something approximating a hangover on Sunday, so don't expect me back before Monday's CCC at the earliest.