Monday, January 22, 2007

My Fine Is $850


My best friend and I have been friends since age 3 when my family moved in across the street from hers. Over the course of nearly 4 decades she and I have had many, many sordid misadventures, mostly when we were teenagers, but we've also been known to run rampant occasionally as adults. We've had a long-running argument of at least 20 years now about which one of us is more morally corrupt, evil, kinky, whatever. She, of course, insists that I am "worse" than her and naturally I respond to the contrary. Honestly I've always thought we were about the same until she sent me the following:

This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, send it back to the person that sent it to you and your other friends.
Title your email "My fine is $........"
You don't have to confess your answers, just the total amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you --$40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close
friend--$20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Tally it up and Title it ... "My Fine Is..." Then send it to some friends and the person that sent it to you.

Now in the interest of protecting the guilty, all I can say is that I'm glad I didn't have to multiply the fines for the number of times certain offenses were committed because the fines would be astronomical.

Her "reported" fine is $750, but it's not the end of the argument. I swear she's leaving some stuff out. I ought to know - I was there for most of it.

2 comments:

Flumadiddle said...

$695. I think I've been too good.

drsharna said...

Well come on down, honey. We'll have you sinnin' & grinnin' in no time flat.