Tuesday, August 21, 2007

You Might Be A Fundie

Okay kids, I have a boatload of stuff to do this morning, then this afternoon I am planning to lounge poolside with a large tankard of something frozen and buzz-inducing. Summer's coming to an end and I've not utilized my pool to its fullest potential. Sooo, I leave you with this, purloined from Jesska's myspace bulletins. (Wait, which one on Gawd's Top Ten List is the one about stealing?)

Top Ten signs you might be a Fundamentalist Christian:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.


slick said...

Geeezus, I didn't understand half of that! What does that make me? besides stoopid

River Rat said...

Holy Hell, that is within no doubt my crazy sister!

Natalia said...

Oh My Fucking God. Pun intended. How many ways do I love thee for posting this? Many ways. I might have to steal it. And frame it.


Loving Annie said...

Good Wednesday afternoon to you, Dr. She ! I hope you are enjoying your frozen -- daquiris ?

I call myself a member of a non-denominational Church, and occasionally 'hot', and on yet other occaisons a "moody bitch"...

I try to avoid religious things, except for what I believe privately.

However, given your list, I failed on all ten.

Loving Annie said...

Good Thursday morning to you, Dr. Shedevil !
How are you today ? What are your plans for the weekend ?

It's so hot here that I'm not doing much of anything - except school ! I never remember having this much fun in college - it must be that since this is voluntary, it's why I'm so thrilled ! I've always wanted to learn architecture !

Hope that all is well with you, and that you have things going on that are making you happy too !

Flopsy sends her best :)

alosha said...

oh I laughed so hard when I read this on jess' bulletin. awesome.

Dr. Shedevil said...

Given that I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt and some of the parents of my daughter's friends don't want her around because she is unchurched, yet has better ethics & morals than their junior bible thumpers, I laughed inordinately hard too. The cool part about being atheist is that you have one shot to get it right & be nice & that one shot is right now.

BTW, I've boiled all religion down to 2 words: Be Nice. I can do that without sending some preacher/conman pictures of dead presidents.

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