Today, my heart is full.
You see, twenty years ago today, I married a person who was totally inappropriate for me on many levels. The kind of person who has problems with everyone, yet is incapable of seeing that they are the problem. Yeah - that guy. The relationship was chaotic from day one, and remained so for several years after the divorce eight years later.
Maybe it was the allure of the big white poufy dress with all the acoutrements, or my naive hope that I could make him be different...or maybe I just wanted out of my parents' house. Maybe it was a combination of all of it, or something else entirely. But I was 20 years old and still knew everything, so despite all the giant waving red flags that were on fire, I did it anyway. There was a picture taken of my dad and me as he walked me down the aisle of that church (Southern Baptist! *snort*), at the moment he was telling me that it wasn't too late - that we could turn around, walk right out of there, go to the bar and just have a beer instead. I used to wish I'd taken him up on it but in a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't. I learned a lot of lessons - mainly about what I'm not willing to tolerate in a relationship with another person, but sometimes those are the most valuable lessons of all.
Don't misunderstand - this isn't going to turn into some rant about how all men are assholes because I happened to pick a bad one the first time. Nor is it going to be a blow-by-blow rehash of all the crazy-making nonsense that led up to and followed that day. You don't want to know all the gory details and my personal growth has allowed me to move well beyond that place. I am just saying that I am grateful for the life I have today. Would I change some things? Sure. I'm always looking to improve things. It's my nature to do so. But right now - in this moment - I. Am. So. Grateful.
I am thankful not to be a one-trick-pony. I have many talents and have the freedom to explore.
My relationships with my spouse and child are loving, nurturing and supportive.
People find me engaging and funny and have even described me as "a tailgate party waiting to happen."
I have a highfalutin' education and am not afraid to use it.
Abundance lives here.
Drama does not live here.
Neither do chaos or conflict just for the sake of it.
Our home is centered around love, peace, serenity and harmony.
My worries are relatively few, and none of them are so out of the ordinary as to cause real pain.
Unexpected blessings show up in my life all the time.
My dream postdoctoral fellowship is beginning to take shape and will be solidified soon.
We have a beautiful home and farm with a table that is often decorated with the smiles and laughter of many well-loved and well-fed family members and friends.
The life I have today is a far cry from the life that 20-year-old girl in the silly white dress signed up for. For this, I am endlessly grateful.