Gratitude

Today, my heart is full.

You see, twenty years ago today, I married a person who was totally inappropriate for me on many levels. The kind of person who has problems with everyone, yet is incapable of seeing that they are the problem. Yeah - that guy. The relationship was chaotic from day one, and remained so for several years after the divorce eight years later.

Maybe it was the allure of the big white poufy dress with all the acoutrements, or my naive hope that I could make him be different...or maybe I just wanted out of my parents' house. Maybe it was a combination of all of it, or something else entirely. But I was 20 years old and still knew everything, so despite all the giant waving red flags that were on fire, I did it anyway. There was a picture taken of my dad and me as he walked me down the aisle of that church (Southern Baptist! *snort*), at the moment he was telling me that it wasn't too late - that we could turn around, walk right out of there, go to the bar and just have a beer instead. I used to wish I'd taken him up on it but in a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't. I learned a lot of lessons - mainly about what I'm not willing to tolerate in a relationship with another person, but sometimes those are the most valuable lessons of all.

Don't misunderstand - this isn't going to turn into some rant about how all men are assholes because I happened to pick a bad one the first time. Nor is it going to be a blow-by-blow rehash of all the crazy-making nonsense that led up to and followed that day. You don't want to know all the gory details and my personal growth has allowed me to move well beyond that place. I am just saying that I am grateful for the life I have today. Would I change some things? Sure. I'm always looking to improve things. It's my nature to do so. But right now - in this moment - I. Am. So. Grateful.

I am thankful not to be a one-trick-pony. I have many talents and have the freedom to explore.

My relationships with my spouse and child are loving, nurturing and supportive.

People find me engaging and funny and have even described me as "a tailgate party waiting to happen."

I have a highfalutin' education and am not afraid to use it.

Abundance lives here.

Drama does not live here.

Neither do chaos or conflict just for the sake of it.

Our home is centered around love, peace, serenity and harmony.

My worries are relatively few, and none of them are so out of the ordinary as to cause real pain.

Unexpected blessings show up in my life all the time.

My dream postdoctoral fellowship is beginning to take shape and will be solidified soon.

We have a beautiful home and farm with a table that is often decorated with the smiles and laughter of many well-loved and well-fed family members and friends.

The life I have today is a far cry from the life that 20-year-old girl in the silly white dress signed up for. For this, I am endlessly grateful.

Hanging Up My Chalk

The Dean of the Humanities Department called me to come teach again. Although it was fun, I had to decline this time. Once I get caught up on stuff around here, it will be time to get a real live full time job that pays real live full time money. I've renamed the blog for that class and am leaving it open to public view for awhile, but eventually I'll take it down. Enjoy it while you can if you have an interest in such things.

In the interim, I'm still selling soap, have a bunch of books I no longer need for sale on Amazon and am about to sell a really nice Gemeinhardt KGM Limited flute so that I can continue to have a little of my own money in my pocket until I'm ready to go back to work. Speaking of, I have a boatload of stuff to do today so I'd better get on it.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Pregnancy

This week: Pregnancy

7th month pedicure


Pregnancy's a gas!


Pregnancy test


How not to do a pregnancy test


Voodoo Magic pregnancy test


Preggy


Sono-what?


Next week: law enforcement

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Just When I Thought It Was Safe

Okay, so (Queso? I love queso!) yesterday I needed to go the cleaners, 20 miles away, and while The Girl & I were out I took her out to eat lunch at Logan's since it will be the last time she has an opportunity to go out to lunch for quite awhile, as school starts Monday. We dropped by a craft store to pick up some gold leaf flakes for a soap I'm making this morning to draw abundance & prosperity when I got an email from my dissertation chair. She wanted to know where my final revisions are, since it's been over a month & all. Gaaaah! I told her that even though the rain has stopped and realistically I'm no longer celebrating, we've had a steady parade of people through here but I'll get it to her with lipstick next week. Gaah...

On a more interesting note, check out the new ebay widget that shows off my soapy lovelies!

Soapy Goodness

Yesterday I made soap for the first time in awhile. The soap business has been kind of slow and I've been inordinately busy so there's not been much time for soapmaking. For me, soapmaking is a wonderful creative outlet that isn't fattening. Sure, I could sell recipes or cookies or whatever, but there's something deeply satisfying about making soap. My house always smells wonderful on soap days - and usually for a couple of days after. My soap room smells good all the time.

The frenzy started with a custom loaf of lime hot process soap. Hot process soap is cooked to speed up saponification, so it's ready in a couple of hours instead of 6 weeks & the scent stays true because there's no lye left when the essential oils are added. I liked the smell of the straight lime so well that I'm going to include it in my regular lineup. It reminded me of margaritas.

I made an extra-large batch of the lime but only prepared half to send to the guy who ordered it. To the remainder I added gingergrass essential oil and swirled it with a moss green oxide colorant. Yum. This is what a spa day should smell like.

Next up was Mister. This is the one The Man uses, to the tune of probably a bar a week. I make more of this than any other just because of him. The scent is very sexy and manly - smoky and dark with vetiver, oak moss, patchouli, amber, bergamot, Texas cedar, frankincense, myrrh and a hint of black pepper. It's my number 3 seller, right behind Do Me Now & Lavender Dream.
I hadn't made any cold process soaps in awhile, so I made one that I'd run out of called Just Clean, which is a soothing shade of green and is scented with lavender, rosemary, eucalyptus, pine and bergamot. This is the soap I reach for if I'm having sinus trouble or need mental clarity. This one and the next two will be ready around the first of October because cold process soap has to cure for several weeks to ensure that the saponification process is complete.
Then I realized that I am completely out of straight lavender soap. This is a big no-no for soapmakers. I have a huge bag of lavender buds, so I tossed a handful in the blender to smash them up really well, made a strongly scented lavender cold process soap, whisked in the pulverized lavender buds then scattered more buds on the exposed side of the soap once it was in the mold. One whiff of this and you're ready to face the day. A strong lavender scent's better than coffee to get you going.

The other soap is a brand new cold process soap that I'm going to call Paradise. It has a Caribbean blue and white swirl and is scented with Monoi de Tiare, Jasmine and Honeysuckle. The aroma will take you to the islands and make you want to put a flower in your hair and your toes in the sand. Where's my cabana boy?
My soapmaking stuff is still out & I plan to make more in the next few days. I plan to make my 3 winter holiday scents: hot cocoa, frankincense & myrrh and mulled orange for sure. However, I want to experiment with something different. Any ideas? Suggestions? Requests?

You Might Be A Fundie

Okay kids, I have a boatload of stuff to do this morning, then this afternoon I am planning to lounge poolside with a large tankard of something frozen and buzz-inducing. Summer's coming to an end and I've not utilized my pool to its fullest potential. Sooo, I leave you with this, purloined from Jesska's myspace bulletins. (Wait, which one on Gawd's Top Ten List is the one about stealing?)

Top Ten signs you might be a Fundamentalist Christian:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."


3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Grandma's Poem

My Grandma in Kansas City has this poem framed and hanging, of all places, above the toilet in the main bathroom. It's always struck a chord with me and given that this has been the party hard summer of mass entertaining, I thought I'd share it with y'all. It really sums up my hostessing style, and goes a long way toward explaining my waning energy level right now.

GUEST
You are welcome here
Be at your ease
Go to bed when you're ready
Get up when you please
Happy to share with you
Such as we've got
The leak in the roof
And the soup in the pot
You don't have to thank us
Or laugh at our jokes
Sit deep and come often
You're one of the folks

I need a nap.

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - PMS

This week: PMS.

From the Federal Bureau of Domestic Affairs:


Monthly Man:


PMS Victims:


Got millk?


Old School Roseanne:


PMS & Red Wine:



Next week: pregnancy

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Next Up in the Houseguest Parade

When I got home Tuesday evening from a quick run to Mom's, The Man was fueling the tractor to get it ready for cutting the Sudan field under the watchful eye of thatdonkey. Even though The Girl had named him Jasper, The Man had also befriended the animal and was calling him Festus. Every evening when The Man gets home from work, he makes the dogs sit to get a dog biscuit. He gave one to the donkey as well. The donkey ate it, then followed The Man all around the yard, I'm assuming in hopes for more treats -just like a dog. It was funny. Jasper/Festus was gone when I got home yesterday afternoon, but I figured out how he got so fat. I think when he gets bored he escapes from wherever he normally lives and goes around mooching treats off the neighbors.

Yesterday was interesting. I was on the road at 6am to meet Suz, the new hubby & his mom to ride with them to the custody hearing 100 miles away. As these things tend to go in Texas, the actual participants didn't see the judge. Instead, the attorneys pow-wowed with the judge at the bench, then came back to give everyone their marching orders. Although the hearing was postponed and Suz was really upset that she didn't get to see the judge, some good things actually happened. First, CPS is not going to pursue the report that her ex filed against her (asshole). Second, even though the boy isn't yet 12, since he's so close the judge is going to consider him 12 and interview both him and his sister in chambers - alone, without the influence of mom, dad, or the attorneys. Next, there is an injunction prohibiting everyone from talking to the kids about the case, which is good because they don't need to hear it. Suz has already been not talking about it, but her ex hasn't. Maybe it's because he doesn't have any friends to talk to, I don't know. We had an hour and a half long, detailed conversation with her attorney about her ex's behavior and why the boy would be better off with her. Since school starts in a couple of weeks, she is going to file an affidavit in a couple of days to try to get him in the school district where Suz lives, which will be better for him in part because the school district he's been in has never been a good fit for him socially or academically. Suz would love for her daughter to come along as well, but she has grown accustomed to no rules or boundaries under her dad for over the last year, and even though she doesn't fit in either and her dad and her so-called "friends" all treat her like shit, she isn't interested in moving even though it would be better for her overall as well. They're going to try to get another hearing next Wednesday. It didn't have to be this way, but her ex did the exact opposite of everything he said he was going to do last year and had caused her nothing but trouble and grief in the interim. Send much positive energy her way...

Afterwards, we went to Herrerra's for lunch since we were already on I-35. Yum. I do love me some good Mexican food! As we were arriving at the restaurant, I received an email from a dear friend in St. Louis informing me that she and her kids (11 and 19) are coming to visit today. Yippee! She and her husband are both from St. Louis but lived in Fort Worth for a long time and we became friends back when she was a radio producer and had me as a guest on a show when I had my personal shopping business (Damn that seems like lifetimes ago!). She's one of those friends whom I don't often get to talk to, but when we do get to visit we don't seem to run out of things to talk about. Maybe it's because she's so intelligent and well-read, but it would be difficult for anyone else to get a word in edgewise.

Her daughter is about to begin her second year in college, studying religion and philosophy and just finished an internship at Nauvoo. For an interesting living museum of pioneer life, I highly recommend a visit there, even with the religious component included for perspective. The last time I saw her, she was about 13 and wikkid smahht like her mom. I'm looking forward to visiting with her now that she's a young adult.

Her son, the 11-year-old, was actually born in Fort Worth but they moved back to St. Louis within weeks after he was born. Interestingly, he has always felt himself a Texan, has always said that he misses Texas even though he was only here as a newborn, and used to ask his mom things like why she didn't "type all Texas-y," in her emails to me. Sooo, this is his big Texas weekend road trip. The Man is going to get him in the tractor and we're going to probably not ride the horses since it's so damned hot (finally over 100 degrees - but with a vengeance), but at least go over and commiserate with them. We're going to take him to a scrimmage football game at The Girl's high school (yep, that's right Texas high school football - what else?). I'm going to cook that boy a huge steak in the fire pit and we're going to sit up late and tell lies under the stars. I bet he picks up our accent within a couple of hours.

Pulled in Every Direction

Can we keep him, Mom?

Have you ever heard the old saw, "If you want to get something done, ask a busy person"? Yeah? Apparently so has everyone else in Texas, and I am the busy person they tend to ask.

The whirlwind visit with my brother Wednesday was great. The Girl got permission to skip band rehearsals by calling her squad leader and saying that she wasn't going to be there because the Feds showed up at our house, then abruptly ended the conversation. Smart ass...she's just like her mom, heehee. She later called her band director to give him the real details. We kidnapped my mom and went to Fort Worth to Mi Cocina for lunch, then to Central Market to pick up something lovely for dinner. Like his big sister he's a hardcore foodie so he wanted steak, porcini tortellini with pesto, salad & creme brulee, so who am I to argue? We cooked the steaks over an open pecan wood fire in the fire pit on the magic patio and ohhhhh man, they were good. It was great to spend some time with him, even if it was only for one day. He is planning to come take advantage of our RV hookups down at the barn sometime this fall though.

The Man's mother's house has been sold and closes today. Thursday he informed me that his step brothers would be coming from Georgia on Friday to pick up their dad's stuff since she was too mean to give it to them when he died ten years ago. He asked me if I'd make dinner for the family and, never one to give up an opportunity to show off my culinary skills, I agreed. So Friday between shuttling The Girl to & from band, I gather up all the stuff and bust my ass to make lasagne, salad & dressing and bread for 20 people. The Girl made brownies when she got home from band. 6:15, the phone rings and it's The Man, letting me know he's on the way home and asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'd been cooking all day, just put the lasagne in the oven and was about to take a shower, then I asked what time the people were supposed to be attending this dinner party. He says, "They're not coming for dinner until tomorrow. They just left Georgia today." Well gee...thanks for the clarification, pal. At least lasagne is always better the second day.

Saturday wasn't so bad. I spent an inordinate amount of time cleaning what I think was frog guts out of the pool. With all the rain we've had, there is a bumper crop of frogs and toads this year. The Man mowed the yard from the time he got home Friday until after dark. That can be the only explanation for the mysterious chunks of what looks like chicken meat I vacuumed into the basket leading to the pool filter. Eww.

The people got there around 8pm after retrieving their dad's things and they ate like they'd been fasting for a week. Of course they did. We wouldn't expect anything different since I'm the little Italian grandma they never had. Mama mia! You're too skinny! Mangiate!

Sunday, a friend asked me to help her with some academic stuff she's working on because she's unclear about the psychological assessment component, which is my area of expertise. In the afternoon, The Girl and I actually were able to do some serious pool time for only about the second or third time this summer. I have never been this catfish belly white in my life. Hell, I was born with a better tan than this, and I'd been indoors for 9 months! With all the rain and all the busy, I haven't had time to do much more than stare longingly at it between vacuumings & chemical applications. Sigh. Sunday evening, I found out that a dear friend of mine with whom I clocked countless volunteer hours when The Girl was in elementary school passed away Saturday, leaving behind a daughter just a few months older than The Girl and a husband, step son and grandchildren who will be lost without her. She was a true friend to everyone she met and will be sorely missed.

Yesterday, The Girl & I ran some errands in town before she went to band. While we were out, Mom called me in a panic stating that she needed my help on the computer. She's about to have her first book published and needed help formatting the poems from 75 individual documents into one long document. Sounds simple enough to you & me but she didn't know how to copy/paste. What she struggled with for hours I was able to accomplish in about 20 minutes, then I proofread it for good measure. When I got back home, all I wanted was a nap but Suz called me in a panic needing me to go to her custody hearing Wednesday 100 miles away from here at 9am. I was planning to go to my other friend's funeral but Suz was there for me when I needed her for my seemingly neverending custody crap the ex dragged me through, so it's the least I can do for her. Last night I went to the band hall to meet with some of the moms to organize uniforms, sew on buttons et cetera. The Man was asleep on the sofa when I got home at 9pm. He told me this morning that he tried to wait up for me. Riiiiiiight.

I know I'm overlooking something but the dogs are raising hell outside this morning. Greeeeaaaat! There's a stray donkey in my driveway. People in town get stray dogs & cats - we get stray livestock. Whatthefuckever am I to do with a donkey?! Shit. It's a wonder I ever get anything accomplished. Is it too early to start drinking yet?

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Grab Bag

This week: Grab bag.

Sports Center (from my mom):


Cast-Uh-Way:


Talking cats:


Bumbershoot:


Alcohol warnings:


What really happens at the physician:


Next week: PMS

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

Post Secret

One of my favorite blogs is Post Secret. People mail in their secrets on homemade postcards and a new batch is posted every Sunday. Today, instead of the usual new batch of postcards, Frank graced his readership with a touching and lovingly created movie. Enjoy.

Surprise Visit

Man, I'm jazzed! My brother (the "good" one who works for one of those big government law enforcement agencies) is coming for a surprise visit to see The Girl today. I've seen him briefly the past 2 or 3 summers when I was in DC for school events, but The Girl hasn't seen him since she was about 9 or 10, although they email and he sends her goofy pictures of himself fighting bad guys all over the world. Politics & religion aside (sadly, he's afflicted with both), he's a great guy: sweet, funny and wikkid smahhht like his older sister.

A little backstory seems in order here. My mother divorced our father and moved to Texas when I was about 15 months old. Because he didn't pay child support -ever (a tradition he carried on with my younger siblings as well), she gave him the option of jail or signing away his rights when I was about 3 or 4, which he did. Mom's second husband then adopted me so I'd have the same last name as the rest of the family. Interestingly, one of my earliest memories is sitting in the courtroom during the adoption proceedings. Even though Mom has been divorced from the second husband and been remarried for 10 years, he's the man who raised me and the one I refer to as my Dad.

Sometime after my adoption, my father remarried and had 3 other children. Although they grew up knowing they had an older sister, until I was 22 and married I had no idea I had siblings, other than the personality-disordered son Mom had with Dad. My sister, then about 17 and living in Oregon with her mom & stepdad's family, sent me a letter in hopes of building a relationship with me. (Given our father's history, she and I suspect there may be other siblings floating around somewhere that we don't know about.)

So within a couple of months of my receiving that letter, the brother under discussion today was graduating from high school. His step-grandparents lived in Dallas and his graduation gift from them and his mom & stepdad was a trip to Texas to hang out with the grandparents for a week and to meet and hang out with me for a week. It was really neat. Of course when my sisters graduated over the next couple of years, they wanted the same trip. Even though we weren't raised together, there are a lot of personality similarities between us, so it's not awkward to be together. I am sad that I missed out on so much of their lives and that I never got to fight with my sisters over the bathroom or the phone, and don't have embarassing stories to tell about them from when they were growing up, but we've been making up for lost time in the last 18 years and it's good. The best part is that when we do have an opportunity to hang, the party is on, just like I like it.

So my brothers are totally unrelated to each other and my sisters are only related to one of my brothers and I may indeed be my own Grandpa. We don't have a family tree...we have a family lawn. The roots ain't too deep, but it just keeps spreading ;o)

Condemned Cartoon Carnival - Foamy the Squirrel

All of this week's submissions came from The Girl, who just happens to be about the biggest Foamy the Squirrel fan I know of - okay, she's the only one I know but these are pretty funny.

Neurotically Yours:

A Beginner's Guide to Being a Bitch-Hermit


Kervorkian Scarf


Gas-E-Pop


Secret Admirer


Medicated Baby Heads


Dating Advice from Foamy


Aaand my favorite, the Fat-Kins diet


Next week: Grab Bag

Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby commanded by the fires of hell to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:

1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud.
b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.

Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be an easy one.
The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.

What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).

Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to:
condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com

tags technorati : Condemned Cartoon Carnival, funny

That About Sums It Up

Stolen from My Confined Space

I'm Already There

I guess because my area of expertise is geriatric cognitive functioning (the way old people's thinking skills work - or don't), The Girl and I have lots of conversations about what our lives will be like when we're old. People in our family get really old - like knocking on the door of 100 old, so we probably have loads of time left on our hands and it's fun to talk about what our lives might be like when we get there.

We're both planning to stick around until we're at least 112. She's going to die from a freak bungee-jumping accident. Of course I'll be shot in bed with someone else's spouse or something to that effect. I told her she'd better make a boatload of money because I intend to get kicked out of every nursing home in Texas. She informed me the other day that she wants to be, "The mean old bitch on the front porch waving a shotgun screaming, 'Get off my lawn you little brats!' and scaring the shit out of all the neighbor kids." That's my girl. *beaming proudly*

What she doesn't know is that I am already that crazy old woman.

Case in point: Yesterday afternoon.

A beat to hell old green Ford Taurus with half the paint missing pulls up in front of the house. Mind you, we live in the boonies and it is necessary to drive about 75 yards down the driveway to get in front of the house from the road, so his visit was clearly intentional. A preoccupied-looking young man, approximately college age, debarks the "vehicle" with a spiral notebook and a backpack in hand.

Not waiting for him to approach the door, I meet him on the front walk with a cold unwavering stare, "Can I help you?"

He: (looking up, startled) Oh, you scared me.

Me: (maintaining intense eye contact that could have bored holes through him throughout the conversation) Yes. I'm supposed to.

He: You must be the official mom of the house.

Me: Yes. Attack Mom to be precise. What do you want?

He: Well, I'm here with a company that's been working with the local school district for some books for the kids...

Me: Which one? (the farm borders 2)

He: Uhh...the local...

Me: You don't even know where the hell you are, do you? If the school wants my kids to have something, they'll let me know. They won't send someone to my house. You can leave now.

He: But...

Me: I didn't stutter. I don't want whatever it is. You'd best leave. Now.

He: (looking concerned) Do you have a gun back there? (apparently I had one hand behind my back)

Me: I might. (growling) Now get the fuck out.

He: (retreating ot his car) You must not get very many Asians out here...

Honestly, I hadn't noticed an ethnicity. Although I was raised that way, I don't think that way anymore. The problem was not that he was Asian but that he was an unannounced somebody interrupting my workflow and thereby pissing me off - now doubly pissed off and wishing I had brought my pistol out with me once he pulled the fucking race card. Gaaah!

Me: We don't get very many anybody out here unless they have the manners to call first. That's why we like it here. Nobody BOTHERS us.

Door to door anybody bugs the shit out of me. Dammit, if I want religion I'll pick a church & go there (yeah, right), if I want just about anything else, I'll get it online, trot my ass down to the store, or make it my damn self. I don't give a shit who you are. Don't fucking bother me! Showing up at my house or calling me out of the blue at dinnertime is the best damn way I know of to ensure your company does NOT get my business. Matter of fact, showing up unannounced out here in the sticks is a real good way to get yourself shot - or at least scared shitless.

Harrumph!

They Lie...

doctor s will go to jail for ... Making lewd ginger bread men and giving them to carolers at Christmas 'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com

They lie...I've totally done that already and I'm still on the outside. With enough different shaped nonpareils, it's easy to make them anatomically correct. The one pictured here is smiling because he's about to get his "special decorations."

Remind me to give you my gingerbread recipe sometime!