Tina Fey Is My Hero

I think I just peed a little bit.

And They Wonder Why We're Pissed

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More and more often as I go about my day I hear words like "taxation without representation," "mutiny," "Boston Tea Party," and similar language that is usually associated with the general populace growing increasingly weary of getting screwed over by big government. Isn't a break from a bloated and greedy ruling class the impetus for the beginning of what used to be the greatest country in the world - the country formerly known as the United States of America?

Graph shamelessly hijacked from GraphJam.com

I'm Voting Republican

No Kidding...

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Overheard In a Restaurant

I was lunching solo in a restaurant the other day and overheard a conversation between two fine, upstanding Texas Ladies that went something like this:

"Natter natter natter bitch McCain. Natter natter natter. Bush natter but Obama bitch natter natter and that Hillary? Well just prattle natter bitch, bless her heart."

"Really? Well, bitch prattle natter rattle Obama, but then again bitch bitch prattle Hillary natter rattle prattle. But then again, I don't vote."

Sorry dumbass. If you don't vote, you effectively forfeit your right to natter, prattle or rattle - much less bitch about the political process. It's people like you who have done your level best to fuck up the country. Why don't you help unfuck it up for a change? Get your ass to the polls and vote.

How To Be a Republican Today

To be a Republican today you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we-can't-find-Bin-Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq .

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" in perpetuity for every Republican ever born, who will be born, or who might be born.

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

18. Life begins when everyone agrees with you.

Yeah - What Susie Said...

Have I mentioned that I simply adore this woman?

More about my favorite sex-positive heroine at Wikipedia.

Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on MSNBC

Just in case you didn't get to see this Tuesday night, I thought I'd share. It's definitely worth watching.



Amen.

Fascism in America?

But It's Not Fascism When WE Do It...is it?

Ohhh, Mister President!

Then I'mma cut spending on educations...I'm gonna jeopardate - social security...and I'm onna leave millions without healthcares.

Yeah baby, that's hhhottt. Screw us all just like that.

So sad it's true.

Whodathunkit?

All my life I've thought I was politically moderate. None of that left wing/right wing extremist nonsense for me, thankyouverymuch. However, as the political climate has swung farther and farther in the direction of the extremist right, I'm finding myself farther and farther to the left - apparently wayyyyy left these days - without ever changing my mind about what is important to me as a citizen of the Greatest Nation on the Planet.

First, as a nation we should take care of our country's most vulnerable citizens (children, the elderly, the mentally ill, the homeless) before we spend money abroad for so-called foreign aid, which is nothing more than bribe money. When is our government going to learn that those countries just laugh at us, take the money and do with it what they want? As long as we have one person in need, our money should stay home.

I think a strong military is important, but don't think we need to go around picking fights or attacking people who didn't attack us first. Sure, Saddam was a bad, bad dude but he was only wreaking havoc within his own borders. Besides, our government put him in power there in the first place. Never did find those WMDs, didja? That's because they never existed. Saddam was set up to forward Big Corporate America's agenda and when he stopped behaving himself and they thought he'd squeal, they had him executed. Nice work.

I think the Constitution applies to everyone, not just a bunch of rich, white men. I don't think giving up my rights as a 40-year-old American born Caucasian band mom is helping fight "the war on terrorism" and I don't see much difference between the government-sanctioned torture our government inflicts on people around the world and what the other terrorists do. We just get better press.

I think that a woman should be in control of her own reproductive tract, who has access to it, if and when she impregnates and whether she should terminate an unwanted pregnancy. The choice to have an abortion is not a decision that a woman takes lightly. Despite all the hype about third trimester abortions, these are normally done when the baby is already dead. The vast majority of women understand that the longer they wait, the more painful the process will be, so they get them done early. Of course the same people who oppose abortion also oppose birth control, but they would never consider limiting access to Viagra. Taking care of the babies that would otherwise be aborted because their mothers don't want them, are unable to properly care for them, are the product of rape or incest or are genetically defective is also out of the question. Once they're born, the government doesn't give a fat shit about them. Nope, in order for them to retain protection, they have to remain a fetus forever. Good luck with that.

I don't remember ever learning that we have government of, by and for the corporate interest, but that seems to be what we have.

I think it was stupid to give a big ol' tax refund to every man, woman and child in the US, then go start a war with no way to pay for it. Nevermind that tax refund was a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of throwing a war. How much is it costing us per day again? And how far in debt are we again? Riiiight. Say it real fast so it doesn't sound so scary.

I think it's important to protect the environment - just in case the rapture doesn't happen tomorrow and our grandkids actually need a place to live after all.

Speaking of, I don't think religion should be so closely intertwined with politics. People can believe in whatever they want, I'm all for that but don't turn your personal belief system into legislation for the rest of us. That's just too damn Taliban-ish for me.

I don't think marriage is about who you're fucking - it's about who you share your life with. Gays aren't out to convert anyone or their children or take anything away from anyone. They just want to have the right to live and love in the manner of their choosing. Sure, it looks different from what's considered "traditional" on the outside (one man - one woman - for life - no divorce), but on the inside they live, work, pay bills, raise kids, have in-law troubles et cetera just like anybody else. Clearly straights take the sanctity of marriage seriously considering the US divorce rate still hovers around 50% or better, depending on whom you ask. That's right, God doesn't want you to get divorced but when you've had it with each other's bullshit, you can't wait to bail - but because it's you, and you're God's Special Person, it's okay.

These concepts have always been just a natural way of being in the world - live and let live but take care of the weak and don't go around picking fights. What's so goddamned awful about that? I don't lean that way because I'm some lefty pinko commie fag or because I have an overabundance of estrogen, that's just what makes sense to me. I'll get off my soapbox now.

Swearing In

Heeeere we go with that whole "The Constitution Only Applies to Me" thing again. Newly elected congressman Keith Ellis (D-Minn) is an American-born, Catholic-raised individual who also just happens to have converted to Islam. Somehow I doubt he represents a national security threat, unless of course he's a Vikings fan too. I think the First Amendment still says he's allowed to be Muslim and express his faith in the manner of his choosing - even if that means being sworn into office using a Qur'an instead of a Bible. Either one seems silly to me, but it's his right to claim so good for him although I'm finding myself taking particular interest in the multiple ironies of his swearing in on Thomas Jefferson's personal copy.

You know, you can sit in the garage with your hand on the carburetor all damn day and you still won't turn into a car, so what makes people think swearing on a book - any book - is going to make someone a good (insert title of your choice here)? It doesn't take a genius to see that plenty of not so good people have been sworn in using a Bible. Don't look now but some of them might even be in office right now.

Where has all this well-thumped Bible swearing gotten us as a country? Shitty, underfunded schools & healthcare, a war that has sucked our collective coffers from a healthy surplus to another crushing deficit (a war which, by the way we're never going to win because the enemy finds honor in death for their cause - but death would have to be better than living in that place, right?). Then there's the economy. Yeah, that. --And who's running the Greatest Nation On The Planet into the ground? A bunch of people who were sworn in using the Bible. Fat lot of good it's done us.

As for me, if I'm ever elected to anything, I wanna swear on another book about believing in something one can't see: Dr. Seuss's immortal "Horton Hears a Who!"

One down...

Former Iraqui dictator Saddam Hussein was hanged for crimes against humanity this morning. Really his crimes weren't against humanity in general, just his own people, but whatever. He was one bad dude, and the irony of him dangling from his own gallows does not escape me, but I don't think execution was a fitting punishment. In his head he was fighting the jihad, so by his death he was automatically martyred and has gone straight to Paradise without passing Go or collecting $200. A better idea would be to call in Hammurabbi's laws here and dish up a heaping plate of the torture he served up to his people for so many years. Make him wish he were dead, but don't actually give up the goods or the 72 virgins. Or better yet, give him a sex change and force him to live as a woman in one of the Arabic nations. A slow painful death of body, mind and soul - yeah, that's more like it.

Will his death bring peace in the region? No. There will always be one more ready to step up and take the place of the last one. If anything, the violence will increase as they jockey for position. Violence has been a way of life there for a long time. It's going to take a helluva lot more than the death of one man to make a dent in it.

Bush and his cronies are no better. The war in Iraq is solely about the oil because 2/3 of Iraq's oil is still in the ground and Halliburton & the Bushies want it and aren't afraid to send our sons and daughters to slaughter to get it for them. You can bet your ass their kids aren't going over to play in the sandbox though. As such, the war also acts as a convenient smokescreen for the huge steaming pile of bullshit policy coming out of DC. Sure, they say they want "global freedom" - but they're the ones who get to dictate what that looks like - for everyone. Fuck you with a big sharp stick (and possibly the 3rd Infantry) if you want something different. This ain't Burger King and you don't get it your way. -But don't you dare voice your opinion about it because then you're un-American and a potential terrorist threat.

That said, fundamentalism in any form scares the shit out of me. Rabid Christians are just as bad as rabid Muslims in their "Life begins when you agree with me," mindset. Jesus and Muhammad were both great teachers who offered the world messages of hope and love that were bastardized by people who chose to espouse a narrow and twisted interpretation of their teachings. Seems to me that these folks need to find something more constructive to do with their time (underwater basketweaving, anyone?) instead of arguing over whose God is the bigger badass, rioting and blowing each other up. Then again, maybe we should just sit back, let them kill each other off & be thankful the collective herd has been culled.

So Much for That Whole First Amendment Thingy...

Bill of Rights

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

We have that in the United States, right? Wrong.

Today I was planning to natter on about www.nowthatsfuckedup.com. Basically it was a site where people (mostly military from the looks of it, if memory serves) would upload pictures & stories - female soldiers baring their breasts, service people in various stages of undress engaging in various sexual and pseudo-sexual acts, "spoils of war" type photos of service people posing with enemy corpses, "Dear Jane, I fucked your boyfriend," letters and similar puerile drivel.

When I navigated to that page this morning, instead of the juvenile locker room blather I was expecting, I was instead met with the official seal of Florida's Polk County Sheriff and the following rather imposing message:

"Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd and the State Attorney’s Office of the 10th Judicial Circuit have concluded an investigation documenting violations of Florida laws pertaining to obscenity.

The investigation resulted in the prosecution of Christopher Wilson, the former web master of this website. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office now maintains this URL to prevent further transmission of obscene material.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd encourages webmasters to review Chapter 847 of the Florida State Statutes. Sheriff Judd will continue to vigorously enforce all laws governing obscenity and investigate any person who transmits this material in Polk County.

Citizens are encouraged to report violations to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office at www.polksheriff.org"

Not that I'm terribly interested in pictures of dead Iraquis or service people boinking one another; I couldn't care less. I was planning to maunder on about how there's a market for just about anything. However, I object to some conservative pinhead Barney Fife wannabe making the decision for me about what constitutes obscenity. Frankly, I find TV evangelists who want me to send them pictures of dead presidents so they can pray for my heathenous soul & buy a new jet to be far more obscene than a few pictures of bare boobs, butts & bollocks.

Seriously, has the Sheriff ever surfed the Internet? You can find information, images and stories about anything imaginable - and plenty you've never even come close to thinking about. The stuff that was on the nowthatsfuckedup.com site was tame and pales in comparison to much of what's out there. I have to wonder who Mr. Wilson pissed off to get on the Sheriff's radar.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the Bill of Rights doesn't really apply to ordinary mokes like you and me anymore. Every day those rights are eroded a little more and what do we do about it? We just bend over and take it right up the ass because if we speak up for ourselves we're labeled unpatriotic, godless heathens and will be put on the naughty list for surveillance, investigation and posible incarceration. Is it just me or does our current political regime smack of Nazism?

Now THAT'S Fucked Up. Pass the lube, please.