I'm Voting Republican

The Danger of Imaginary Friends

In the history of mankind, more lives have been lost and destruction and suffering caused in the name of Imaginary Friends than by any other concept. Most adults who talk to imaginary friends that tell them what to do are called "mentally ill" or "delusional," except certain special types, because evidently that kind of delusional is okay. This is because all of their real friends have the same Imaginary Friend because they're not allowed to hang out with people who have a different Imaginary Friend (per the Imaginary Friend, of course). So, because "everybody does it," and they're afraid not to because the Imaginary Friend has told them that "Bad Things" will happen if they don't, the people all share the in the special Imaginary Friend delusion and call it "religion." The even people build big special buildings that cost lots of money for their Imaginary Friend to live in, most of the time a whole bunch of them in the same town. Then they give It a percentage of their income, even if they don't have enough for themselves, because apparently Imaginary Friend needs money too.

Since the special Imaginary Friend kind of delusion is protected -and even encouraged- by their leaders, it's even more okay. Because, come on, if the people don't have to think for themselves because their Imaginary Friend does it for them and tells them what to do, that can only be good for the government, right? Think about it. If the government can convince the poor gullible people that Imaginary Friend wants them to support the government's policies even when they're foolish and that if they don't, "Bad Things" will happen, that can only be good for the government.

When the people meet somebody with a different Imaginary Friend, they argue about which Imaginary Friend is better. Then, because it's an argument that can't be won because it's about Imaginary Friends, everybody gets mad and calls all the real friends they know who have the same Imaginary Friend so they can have a real war with the people with the different Imaginary Friend, to prove whose Imaginary Friend is the bigger badass - with real weapons, injuries, loss of life, rape, pillaging and destruction to back it up.

That's just silly. I don't want to play.

WTF?

You Might Be A Fundie

Okay kids, I have a boatload of stuff to do this morning, then this afternoon I am planning to lounge poolside with a large tankard of something frozen and buzz-inducing. Summer's coming to an end and I've not utilized my pool to its fullest potential. Sooo, I leave you with this, purloined from Jesska's myspace bulletins. (Wait, which one on Gawd's Top Ten List is the one about stealing?)

Top Ten signs you might be a Fundamentalist Christian:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."


3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

That About Sums It Up

Stolen from My Confined Space

Look Out, Evian, Jesus Is in the Designer Water Biz

You know, if you spell Evian backwards, it spells Naive. Looks like a Linden, California priest has caught on to that concept and is selling 1/2 liters of so-called "Holy Drinking Water" that has been blessed by clergy. Of course, he cautions, it's no substitute for church attendance, or "any other establishment of worship."

The stuff even carries a warning label that reads," If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color and oral irritations." Correct me if I'm wrong, but according to the Christian paradigm, we're all sinners and all fall short of the glory et cetera, so that puts everyone on the planet at risk. Of course I'm sure it's not but wouldn't it be interesting though if the water were tainted with, oh, I dunno, e. coli or something? That would sure cause some internal distress and the cool thing is you could blame it on Satan instead of taking responsibility for your own actions.

You can read more here.

Ned Flanders would be downright proud. Wonder if they're hiding some Holy Tequila somewhere...I might have to sign up for summa that.

Swearing In

Heeeere we go with that whole "The Constitution Only Applies to Me" thing again. Newly elected congressman Keith Ellis (D-Minn) is an American-born, Catholic-raised individual who also just happens to have converted to Islam. Somehow I doubt he represents a national security threat, unless of course he's a Vikings fan too. I think the First Amendment still says he's allowed to be Muslim and express his faith in the manner of his choosing - even if that means being sworn into office using a Qur'an instead of a Bible. Either one seems silly to me, but it's his right to claim so good for him although I'm finding myself taking particular interest in the multiple ironies of his swearing in on Thomas Jefferson's personal copy.

You know, you can sit in the garage with your hand on the carburetor all damn day and you still won't turn into a car, so what makes people think swearing on a book - any book - is going to make someone a good (insert title of your choice here)? It doesn't take a genius to see that plenty of not so good people have been sworn in using a Bible. Don't look now but some of them might even be in office right now.

Where has all this well-thumped Bible swearing gotten us as a country? Shitty, underfunded schools & healthcare, a war that has sucked our collective coffers from a healthy surplus to another crushing deficit (a war which, by the way we're never going to win because the enemy finds honor in death for their cause - but death would have to be better than living in that place, right?). Then there's the economy. Yeah, that. --And who's running the Greatest Nation On The Planet into the ground? A bunch of people who were sworn in using the Bible. Fat lot of good it's done us.

As for me, if I'm ever elected to anything, I wanna swear on another book about believing in something one can't see: Dr. Seuss's immortal "Horton Hears a Who!"

One down...

Former Iraqui dictator Saddam Hussein was hanged for crimes against humanity this morning. Really his crimes weren't against humanity in general, just his own people, but whatever. He was one bad dude, and the irony of him dangling from his own gallows does not escape me, but I don't think execution was a fitting punishment. In his head he was fighting the jihad, so by his death he was automatically martyred and has gone straight to Paradise without passing Go or collecting $200. A better idea would be to call in Hammurabbi's laws here and dish up a heaping plate of the torture he served up to his people for so many years. Make him wish he were dead, but don't actually give up the goods or the 72 virgins. Or better yet, give him a sex change and force him to live as a woman in one of the Arabic nations. A slow painful death of body, mind and soul - yeah, that's more like it.

Will his death bring peace in the region? No. There will always be one more ready to step up and take the place of the last one. If anything, the violence will increase as they jockey for position. Violence has been a way of life there for a long time. It's going to take a helluva lot more than the death of one man to make a dent in it.

Bush and his cronies are no better. The war in Iraq is solely about the oil because 2/3 of Iraq's oil is still in the ground and Halliburton & the Bushies want it and aren't afraid to send our sons and daughters to slaughter to get it for them. You can bet your ass their kids aren't going over to play in the sandbox though. As such, the war also acts as a convenient smokescreen for the huge steaming pile of bullshit policy coming out of DC. Sure, they say they want "global freedom" - but they're the ones who get to dictate what that looks like - for everyone. Fuck you with a big sharp stick (and possibly the 3rd Infantry) if you want something different. This ain't Burger King and you don't get it your way. -But don't you dare voice your opinion about it because then you're un-American and a potential terrorist threat.

That said, fundamentalism in any form scares the shit out of me. Rabid Christians are just as bad as rabid Muslims in their "Life begins when you agree with me," mindset. Jesus and Muhammad were both great teachers who offered the world messages of hope and love that were bastardized by people who chose to espouse a narrow and twisted interpretation of their teachings. Seems to me that these folks need to find something more constructive to do with their time (underwater basketweaving, anyone?) instead of arguing over whose God is the bigger badass, rioting and blowing each other up. Then again, maybe we should just sit back, let them kill each other off & be thankful the collective herd has been culled.