the blog formerly known as "Maunderings from Dissertation Hell" and "Prattling in Postdoc Purgatory"
Wind her up & watch her go!
Random blather and nattering of a newly licensed clinical neuropsychologist juggling a budding private practice, family, volunteering and sanity. I am a highly trained professional. Don't try this at home, kids.
Jesus vs. the Easter Bunny - Thanks, Mom (I didn't say they had to be "real" famous people)
Sitting in the Bunker (this was funnier the first time I watched it)
Surely if we all pull together we can come up with better than these. Next week: Flatulence. Yes, Natalia, honey, your dinosaur extinction video will be included. I saved it for just such an occasion. ;o)
Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby summoned to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." Wanna play? The rules are simple:
1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud. b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.
Although there are no sacred cows, there is one caveat: I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy. The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.
What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).
Go ahead, submit. You know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to: condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com
You remember how yesterday I said I kept expecting to wake up and it wasn't true? Yeah, me too. Well, it wasn't. Turns out I totally misunderstood. What was approved was for my proposal to be sent to the entire committee. So that means that Her Majesty My Dissertation Chair and the AD, Dr. Toosick, approve. I got approval from Much Beloved and Brilliant Second Reader and the external, Dr. BigName today. Not a bad gig overall. Still the last holdout is the consulting faculty. Hold your breath and send much positive energy her way to blind her to my faulty methodology in compassion for a poor specimen of mathematicus retardii.
Okay, back to the kids.
PS Coffee mugs make great camouflage for red wine... ;oD
You ever have one of those surreal, trippy experiences when you've waited and worked for something for for what seems like forever under suboptimal conditions, and then when it happens it doesn't seem quite real? Yeah, me too. Today. My dissertation proposal was approved. I just know I'm going to wake up any minute to another round of revisions.
Now I just have to write the last 2 chapters in the next week if I'm going to graduate in July. No pressure, or anything.
PS I'm on my way out the door to chaperone a band trip. Just when I really want to celebrate with a lovely adult libation I can't. Drat.
You know, people ask me all the time, "drsharna, why are y'all psychologist peopleses the nuttiest, craziest, most bizarro motherfuckers out there?" Seriously, I never knew until I started trying to write this stupid dissertation thingy. You know, the one that makes raising a teenager look like a piece of cake. Today I figured it out. We're all batshit crazy because our dissertation committees drive us there, drop us off and force us to find our way back - barefoot - in the snow - uphill - both ways - blindfolded - spinning plates - on our noses - riding a unicycle - with no seat - while juggling rabid porcupines - and running chainsaws. If we make it back alive then people have to call us Doctor forevermore. Good thing it doesn't matter if we're still cogntively intact. If not, well then just go ahead and sign us up to work "down to the WalMarts," because after all the nonsense and hoops we have to jump through we're reduced to blithering idiots. That's all I have to say about that. Must. Have. Rest.
PS Note to self: Go down to the walmarts and pick up a greeter application after class...
So this morning in class the kids were doing their "major project" presentations and things were progressing swimmingly. I moved seats to get a better view of the presenters and what to my wondering eyes did appear sitting in one of the desks behind me, but my boss, the Chair of the Humanities Department of the college. How the hell he got in without my knowledge is beyond me. Apparently I underestimate the sneakiness.
This may come as some surprise but my language in class tends to be rather colorful. It's not uncommon for me to say "shit" or any of its derivatives at least a dozen times in our hour and a half time slot. Today however, the students were the teachers, not me. My role was try to engage the observers in asking questions of the presenters about their material. Given the uncivilized hour of our class that's hard to do. Unless, of course, we're talking about sex. Then I can't get them to shut up.
So I introduced Dr. Sneakiness to the class, and as he rose to leave he handed me a performance evaluation. He had been *GASP* grading me the entire time he was there - however long that was. Actually that's probably good because had I known he was there I don't know how I would have reacted. I'm just really glad I'm through lecturing and all that's left are project presentations and the final, which only about six students have to take.
Oh? The evaluation? Perfect marks all the way down the line. Good thing he didn't come last Tuesday for the social psych lecture I blasted through so we'd have time to review for the exam. I think I said shit 20 times and fuck at least once. I'd have definitely been dinged for professionalism...Man, was it my lucky day or what?
Frog Ownage - with a special amphibian appearance by Slick
Dazzer: Cane Toad -Okay he's not a frog, but he is funny in a poor amphibian trash kind of way.
Frog - the fat kid slays me
All of these were gleaned from YouTube by yours truly. The submissions I received (yes, all 3 of them) didn't quite hit the mark, so I'm giving you a theme for next week: Famous People.
The rules are simple: 1) The video has to make me laugh - out loud. b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.
I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy. The videos will be posted bright and skippy every Monday morning, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.
What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).
Go ahead - submit - you know you want to. Just send your videos or links with your username and a link to your blog to: condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but The Girl is Just. The. Coolest. Chick. Ever. A typical Texas girl, she's been shooting guns since she was old enough to hold one by herself and she got her first rifle of her very own when she was 11. She's always enjoyed shooting and even took her first deer this winter. Last fall she started working with the local 4-H shooting sports group and has done pretty well in light rifle events. However, Thursday afternoon at practice, she picked up a bow and arrow at the shooting range, and absolutely fell in love with it. Today (Saturday), she took second place in the senior division in a statewide 4-H basic archery event.
The best part for her though was that even though we had to get up at 5am, she had a blast and made a ton of new friends. She just walks up to people, introduces herself and starts talking to them like she's known them her whole life. It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Wow, I was tagged by Slick for a "Thinking Blogger" award. You've got to be kidding me. I'm honored that someone thinks I made them think but all we've been talking about here since Wednesday is vaginas. Well, since the honor did come from a redneck male and they typically like to think about vaginas, maybe it's not so far off the mark.
So, my job now is to tag and link 5 bloggers who make me think.
Dr. X: A trip to Dr. X's Free Associations is a treat because of his integration of history, psychology and science lightly seasoned with a smattering of well-reasoned opinion. The photo of the day is a bonus I look forward to every day.
PZ Meyers over at Pharyngula. I love his rants on creationism and fundamentalism but his Friday Cephalopod is the best thing since fried squid.
Matt: at Behavioral Ecology. Who knew mice had STDs?
Corinna: the mastermind behind A Celebration of Curves. Not necessarily for making me think, because we think a lot of the same thinks, but for opening up a touchy subject in a loving and compassionate way so that others might think.
Okay kids, I have a crapload of work to do today on the stupid fucking dissertation thingy, but I want to share a new game The Girl and her friends have been playing sort of in protest for all the recent hoo-ha about the public use of the word, "Vagina." You know, it's perfectly acceptable to utter the words spleen or elbow but never clinical terminology for female naughty bits because it might be - well, just too naughty and they'll be having none of that in Fundie-Land, thankyouverymuch.
The rules are simple and I want you to play along.
1. Pick a movie title (or 90). 2. Substitute the word "vagina" in an appropriate place in the title. 3. Post a comment with your new movie title here in Hell.
Some examples that had us in tears last night:
Talledega Vagina Vagina on 34th Street Hotel Vagina The Vagina Crashers Finding Vaginaland Pirates of the Vagina The Vagina Conspiracy Fun With Dick and Vagina Napoleon Vagina Brokeback Vagina The Manchurian Vagina Charlie and the Vagina Factory I, Vagina The 40-Year-Old Vagina Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Vaginas and my personal favorite: My Big Fat Greek Vagina
Have fun and I'll be in tomorrow with more dissertation bitching. I'm looking forward to your responses!
PS If you need help, get thee to Netflix. Tell 'em drsharna sent you.
The Kingdom Hearts version - dredged up by me, just to round things out.
Sigh. Surely y'all can do better than that. Please try to remember that there is a teenager with a warped sense of humor living in my house. As such, I stopped laughing at this about six months ago. I only included it this time because it was really funny the first thirty thousand times I heard it. Don't ever send it again or the wrath of a thousand imaginary friends will rain down upon your head.
As a counter point, I offer you a little Russian tale about a lonely bull, entitled, "Latex." Don't worry, you don't have to speak Russian or read Cyrillic to get it. The moral of the story is that with a little perseverence, you'll get it in the end.
Besides our generous Texas hospitality, around here we're also known for our ever-growing hummingbird population. About ten years ago I started out with one 8-ounce feeder, then rapidly needed another. The second year I added 2 more, then 2 more the year after that. Last year I had to upgrade to six 16-ounce feeders and in the heat of the summer, those little guys consumed that much every day. I really should add 2 more this year because they come back every year - and they bring their friends.
Their antics are delightful to watch and they are just about the most fearless creatures I've ever seen. The video isn't mine, but it shows some wonderful examples of how engaging they can be. They're fast learners, curious, and once they figure out you're not going to hurt them, they'll get right in your face to check you out. I love sitting on the patio early in the morning & late in the evening when they are most active just to commiserate with them. The Man is even in on it. At first he didn't understand why on earth I'd want to feed a bunch of silly little birds. After all, you can't eat them. All of the feeders are fully visible from the sunroom, where he reads the paper on the weekends. When he started pointing them out to me, I knew he'd been hooked by their charms too.
If you want to attract hummingbirds to your own yard, there are a few things you should know.
First, one huge myth about hummers is that they are attracted to red. They see the full spectrum of color and are just as likely to visit a blue, yellow or purple flower as any other. Their main diet consists mainly of flower nectar and small insects and spiders. They use what we offer them for quick bursts of energy - kind of in the manner in which we'd eat a Snickers bar. They're not stupid. They know which flowers and bugs are suitable for their needs and they know what's in our feeders. We don't have to do anything extra to make them more attractive.
It is unnecessary to buy commercial hummingbird food. That stuff is full of artificial dyes that are probably more detrimental to their tiny systems than they are to ours. The experts say to just use a plain sugar-water solution at about 1 part sugar to 4 or 5 parts water, although the solution I make up is about 1 part sugar to 1 or 2 parts water. Just use plain old white cane sugar. They don't particularly like beet sugar. Never use honey, fruit juice, brown sugar or turbinado sugars because the naturally occurring impurities promote faster growth of bacteria and mold, which can kill your hummer friends. You don't have to boil the water although using hot water makes dissolving the sugar easier. Distilled water isn't necessary either. Believe it or not, tap water because it offers extra minerals is considered best. I usually let it sit on the counter for a few hours or overnight to allow the solution to cool to room temperature and to give the chlorine time to evaporate out.
It's particularly important though to keep the feeders clean and change the solution frequently. Bacteria and mold can grow in them at a rather alarming rate, particularly during hot weather. Hot weather can also make your sugar solution ferment and drunk hummingbirds are dead hummingbirds.
For capacity and ease of cleaning, by far the best feeders I've found anywhere are the "Humdinger" feeders, manufactured by Turbine industries in Wichita Falls, Texas. They don't draw bees or ants and are guaranteed to only feed hummingbirds. This is my second year using them and although I've seen the odd bee or wasp hovering around the feeders, they give up fairly quickly because they can't get to the sugar water.
Because the weather here warms fairly quickly, I put the first feeder out half-full on Valentine's Day just in case we get some early arrivals. I usually see the first one around the first of March. Gradually I add more feeders and more sugar water in the feeders until all of them are out and full - around the first of May. In peak season I have to refill them every day. Then around Labor day I start cutting back on the amount of sugar water in the feeders and the number of feeders until the last one is left out half-full. I take it down around the first of November, or later if I'm still seeing them.
Last but not least, if you can't make that kind of commitment to their care, don't do it. They become accustomed to that food source and there may not be another one within a reasonable distance. Taking it away from them wouldn't be fair. Not only that, but they'll find someplace else to go when they return next year - like, maybe my house.
You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.
In my internet travels today I fell absolutely head over heels in love with Corinna Makris, blog goddess of A Celebration of Curves, and proprietess of This Lush Life. Do go by and visit her. You'll be glad you did.
My visits to her sites this morning started me thinking (ohh no! anything but that!). You see, the last couple of years have brought about a lot of changes in the way that I think about a lot of things, particularly how I view myself and my place in the world. I've realized that there's a pretty good chance I'm never going to be a size 6 again but you know what? It doesn't matter. I am perfectly happy with me just as I am - a little rounder but gorgeous...dead-sexy...and have I mentioned that my tits are fabulous? We're talking about the stuff of legends, here. But it's not the size of my brassiere or my voluptuous round ass that make me sexy. It's not what I choose to wear (or not) or who's coming on to me - and believe it or not they still come on to me - men and women. It's what's between my ears that makes it all happen. It's those neurons pumping 24/7. I'm smart, funny, engaging, a good listener and can hold a conversation about almost anything. Then there's the sexual self-confidence I carry from the breadth of my experiences. It's knowing that I possess the sexual knowledge and power to leave anyone weak and breathless, in a pool of their desire for nothing more than more of me because they can never get enough, even though there's a little more to go around than there used to be. Yeah baby, it've got it like that.
I'm not the only one not waiting around until I'm skinny again before I live my life to its fullest. Check out the confident, beautiful, smart and sexy Joy Nash (yeah, I would soo do her):
Calling all demons, poltergeists, minions and wraiths: You are hereby summoned to submit your favorite videos from You Tube, your crazy aunt Hattie's attic or wherever for inclusion in my new regular feature "Condemned Cartoon Carnival." The rules are simple:
1)It has to make me laugh - out loud. b) Bonus points if it's wrong on so many levels that it leaves me in tears.
I am a tough customer, so your quest will not be easy. The videos will be posted on Monday mornings, to give everyone a twisted start to the week.
What do you get? Everlasting life via special shoutout in the blog and a link to your blog (if you have one).
Go ahead - submit - you know you want to. Just send the video or the link, your name or username and website address to: condemnedcartooncarnival@gmail.com
I can hardly believe it. In the tradition of her grandmother and her crazyass mom (that, of course, would be me), The Girl has entered the blogosphere. Check her out at "The Rantings and Ravings of a Teenage Punk-Rocker." Y'all just think I'm funny. The Girl is a riot waiting to happen. The randomness is a bonus.
Incidentally, she's had her blog for under an hour and is already banned in China. -Family tradition & all....
Just when you think things can't get much more fucked-up-ier, the Associate Dean drama takes on a new level of weirdness. Today I get an email from my chair informing me that since Dr. Pet Raccoon gave me a little bit of feedback on a draft of my proposal 3 months ago that he has to officially give his blessing and sign off on any switch in personnel. Oh, and it's up to me to make nice and tell him he's fired without actually telling him that the reason is nobody else likes him or wants to play with him. Greeeeeaaat.
Well hell. The last thing I want to do at this stage of the game is get in the middle of some professional pissing match. One of my lesser-known talents is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and actually make them look forward to the trip. So, dredging up all my best tactics from my previous career in sales, I put together a short but sweet (shut up, Slick, I can TOO be sweet) email stating that "due to unforeseen circumstances that have nothing to do with me or your brief comments several months ago," blah blah blah. I made damn sure to run it by my chair first though in case it came back to bite me in the ass. With her blessing I sent it on and waited. We all know how good I am at that.
In the interim, I get another email from my chair informing me that she'd just gotten an email from Dr. Chest-Starer who thinks that he's on my committee. 0_o Turns out that according to my "permanent record," he is. This weirdness turned out to be a good thing, because it confused the shit out of everyone. When I received the response from Dr. Pet Raccoon a couple of hours later, he graciously honored my polite request to discontinue on my committee and approve Dr. TooSick to continue in his stead. Why the fuck they have to make everything so goddamn complicated is beyond me. Maybe if they didn't do that, they would have nothing to do.
I guess it's like Granddad always said, "If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit."
My cyber-buddy Steli, over at Super Cool School tagged me for a meme about goal setting from Alex Shalman's Practical Personal Development blog, "Gotta Get Goals." As the title implies this is about giving voice to your goals. After all, you wouldn't get on a bus if you didn't know where it was going. Having goals is kind of like a roadmap for the direction you want your life to go. That said, here are some of mine:
Immediate goals (ASAP): 1. Complete the latest (and hopefully last) round of fucking nitpicky dissertation proposal revisions. 2. Complete my last neuropsychology paper so that I can finish the neuropsychology certificate. 3. Figure out what the fuck is wrong with my well-loved 5-year-old iPod. (DONE!)
Short-term goals (By the end of summer): 1. Finish my dissertation. 2. Graduate. 3. Secure a neuropsychology postdoctoral position.
Long-term goals (Timeframe indefinite): 1. Pay off student loans. 2. Set up private neuropsychology practice. 3. Begin gardening in earnest again. 4. Enjoy more of my life. 5. Rule the world. 6. Write a best-selling self-help book and make a fortune.
So who am I tagging? YOU! Regulars and newbies - lurkers and non-lurkers alike. The original guy wants trackbacks but I don't know how to do it so I'm just going to email mine to him. Maybe one of you can tell me how it's done.
Aaaarrrrrggghhhhh. Unlike Valentine Michael Smith, I do not grok waiting. If you've been following my dissertation tale of woe, (and seriously, who hasn't??) you know that in the wee hours of Monday morning I submitted the latest revision of my dissertation proposal to my core committee members. I'm irritated that although they always want shit from me right fucking now, they don't proffer their feedback until they're goddamn good and ready. Gr.
So what to do in the interim? There is one smallish Neuropsychology course paper I need to write for Much Beloved and Brilliant Reader #2 so I can complete the Neuropsychology certificate. Yeah, you guessed it - extra work - I'm all about the extra work, baybee. You should see my fucking transcript. My program requires 155 credits to graduate. To date I have 209 and I haven't even finished the dissertation or this one little elective paper that I can crank out in a weekend. Fucking overachiever.
My biggest problem seems to stem from that in trying to finish in under the average 7 years it typically takes a person to earn a Ph.D., I am so conditioned to always be doing something productive that I've forgotten how to just chill out and relax. Downtime is actually anxiety-producing for me these days. I tried to get a pedicure the other day and the sweet little old Cambodian lady who was taking care of me kept asking if I was okay and telling me, "Reraaax, honey...reraaax. I take care of yuuu. Reraaaax." Tragic, really. There she was - barely able to speak English, not even from our culture and she could see my restlessness just as easily as the funk she was sanding from my heels. Which begs the question: when I am finally shed of the giant malodorous putrified dissertation albatross around my neck, will I ever be able to just reraaax again?
Okay, that's enough self-analysis. Back to work.
It's SNOWING! WTF!?? (The view from the sunroom - click to enlarge).Dunno who's more confused - me or the hummingbirds...
Okay it's April. That means that thanks to Ladybird Johnson, and the efforts of my fellow Texans, our beloved state flower the bluebonnet, is in full bloom along just about every highway, byway, pasture and field around. The picture above is what heaven looks like to a Texan (minus the coldbeer, barbeque and live band). It's really too bad I couldn't add scratch & sniff to this post.
Y'all may come down here and think it would be way cute to get a picture of the kids, the dogs, mom'n'em or your Harley in the middle of a mound of these beauties, but unless you've grown them in your own pasture, just look or take pictures. They are for all to enjoy, not for you to destroy. While it is not exactlyillegal to pick them, it's goddamn rude and will bring much bad Karma raining down upon your head - typically in the form of criminal trespass or similar offenses.
Would you go to your neighbor's house and pick their daisies? Well hell no you wouldn't, because you would get your ass kicked. We're similarly fussy about our bluebonnets around here. They are not for your trampling pleasure, they are our state flower and we'll thank you to keep your big, fat FATASS out of them - unless you want us to kick it for you, in which case, we'd be happy to oblige. My advice is just don't. If you do, don't be surprised to see one of us skidding in on two wheels and screeching to a halt in our big ol' trucks ready to administer the ass-whuppin' you deserve for defiling one of our state symbols.
*No beloved wildflowers were harmed in the making of this post.
Okay, I know there are quite a few regular lurkers who drop by and visit Hell nearly every day (love me some SiteMeter). Thank you so much for your support. Even if you don't contribute to the discussion, thereby leaving me feeling like I'm out here talking to myself like your regular psycho on the street, it's nice to know I have stalkers. Hell is just the place for stalkers and I'm happier'n a three-peckered billy goat to have you.
Yesterday, I made a comment about wanting to find a certain video (Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat) to make my condemned cartoon carnival complete. Well, I've had a couple of people contact me directly via email asking about the videos I post from time to time and that got me thinking -- and we all know how dangerous it can be when wicked goddamn smart wimmin start thinking....we start getting those pesky ideas and stuff.
A little backstory: Back in the early 1970's when I was but a wee tater-totlet of a demon in the suburbs of Fort Worth, there was a TV show that came on every afternoon between my lunchtime and naptime from 12:30-1:00, called "Cartoon Carnival." Programming consisted mostly of old Merrie Melodies and Warner Brothers cartoons with a little Tex Avery thrown in the mix. It was my favorite show besides Slam Bang Theatre, which came on at what I best remember as pre-dark-thirty, but that show was an least an hour long and also screened 3 Stooges and Little Rascals shorts.
Like I said, that got me to thinking and I think, being Hell and all, that it would be fun to make a Condemned Cartoon Carnival and include it as a weekly feature on this blog. Maybe on Mondays to give everyone a twisted, perverted, salacious and potentially blasphemous start to your week? I'll even take contributions from you - my possessed minions - and give you a little shoutout's worth of credit for sending it if your submission makes the cut. -Unless of course you'd rather remain anonymous so you don't have to admit that you cavort with the likes of the devil. The inclusion criteria are that the videos have to be funny enough to make me laugh out loud. Bonus points if they're just WRONG and I'm laughing so hard I'm in tears (I'm a tough customer BTW). I don't care if they come from YouTube, GoogleVideo, VideoJug or your crazy Aunt Hattie's attic - just send them and I'll post the funniest ones every week.
Besides me, so far we have a landslide vote of 1 in favor (Thanks, Slick). Spew forth your bile and tell me - what do YOU think?
For your viewing pleasure I present, "Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat." My work here is done. I was up all night polishing my dissertation proposal so I'm going to take a nap now.
(cross your fingers and hope the revisions stick this time)
Okay kids, I'm busier than a one-armed pervert with palsy trying to draw a picture of a pussy with an Etch-a-Sketch today so I'm going to do the "bad mommy" thing and keep y'all quiet with a couple of videos you're sure to enjoy. Ahhhh, the electronic babysitter...
And a newer one, "Nine Inch Kermit" - preordained to become a classic just because it's wrong on soooo many levels.
If that's not enough to keep you entertained, do visit the badasses over at Desperately Seeking...Something? This eversosnarky blog scours the Internet for pathetic personal ads posted in places like Kaboo and CraigsList. These pitiful attempts at getting laid usually contain pictures of a wide array of penises in varying stages of perkiness. The panel then reviews and comments on the pictures. You'll be pissing your pants after perusing the first post. Be sure to read the comments, too - they're often the best part.
Don't know why I'm perseverating on "P" today...oh yeah...it's all about polishing the proposal, power analysis and p <.05 today.
